To celebrate your years dying in to a brand new age

 

Here I am sitting,

here with fellow friends of mine…

We cook, we drink and also dine…

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

 

I find myself among great men and women…

Of those who had travelled far and long… 

We gambled a little, laughter as wage,

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

 

Long into the night we ate, drink and play,

taking pictures, having fun without delay…

Making merry, engraving memories,

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

 

“David!”, one exclaimed, “you’ve lost your bet!”

“Aye,aye” I replied, “my fellow good mate”…

For every lost bet, for every giggled gained,

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

 

Alas all good time must come to end…

Great meal, great time, great friends…

Till then, when we meet again,

to celebrate others’ years dying into a brand new age.

on life…

I wonder why things I rendered passed,

would return to haunt me fast.

I don’t understand why the things i want,

are often the things out of hand.

Yet I wonder, can broken pieces still be mend?

if, disfigured face returned its glowing tan?

I wonder if a man fell enough,

that he would cease the finish the run?

I would understand if he cries in silenced muff,

forcing himself to believe: There’s nothing more he want.

But if tomorrow would never come,

This may all be a bad bad punt.

Sad it may be, but this is why life’s fun.

 

Indifference

Which is worse? An unrequited love or a forbidden one? Which pain is greater, knowing that she loves you but you two cannot be together, or knowing well you love her, but she does not? In my own naivety and inexperience I could only possibly offer you part of the answer.

Some say “better love (or loved) than never”. Some say “better not loved (or love) ever”. Most of us do know that love brings both pain and joy, to an extend that one cannot stand without the other; these two are two different sides of the same coin.

But even in a coin toss, it is rather quizzical to always getting heads, or tails to some. Even the odds are against my odds. What kind of luck is this? Or fate, to some people. Often I attribute things that I desire yet fail to acquire as simply, “not meant to be”. This seems to be a perfect justification to my failures, or simply, an easy escape from these unhappy turns of event.

Which is worse? To leave a fruitless ponder or enter a hopeful dream? For now, both are the same, both are despairing, to me.

song and words

I envy them. I wish I have their gift. The gift to present oneself sincerely and true. The blessing to tell, to illustrate things hidden within not by the over-emphasized sense of sight. If the eye is the window to the heart, the ear must be the gateway to the soul. If a picture says a thousand words, a song could sing a thousand tales.

Not everybody is given the privilege to present themselves in such a way. Certainly not to those who rely heavily on sight or other senses other than the hearing. The society we know today value paintings, writings more than anything else. To some extent, I agree, words and pictures have their own way of touching people’s heart. But to me nothing comes close than music; one that sings nothing but what is felt, what is believe by he who wields it.

I would say I have only half that gift. Or, I’m blessed, but not quite. Sometimes I resent it, why God made me half of what I can be. I do not claim to be an excellent musician, but I believe I possess sufficient skill to play almost any songs on the piano, or on the saxophone. The flaw remains, on the fact that I do not possess the gift of singing. I am like the mute, an individual that can only rely on body movements, kinesthetic presentation of my music, gestures in my attempt to communicate. I am, in a way, incomplete; deprived of my speech, deprived of my ability to sing.

There are so many songs that I would like to sing aloud to all my heart’s content, messages that I want to send out with all my soul. Serenades that I want to sing to my loved ones. But this just does not seem to be. This absence makes me feel empty and hollow and somewhat incomplete.

I would like to believe that there is a reason to this. I would like to believe that God made me imperfect as I am; just to perfect me one day. I want to believe that God has prepared someone out there, someone who shares my ideal, someone who would sing the words of my song. Someone, who would sing to me, while I play to her. Someone that complements me, and at the same time needs me to complete her. I would want to believe that this is God’s way, God’s grand plan to finish this incomplete creation.

You ask if I believe in soul mate. I do not know my answer to that. But I can tell you that I, am no unlike other musicians, needs nothing but one – an audience, a listener, one that appreciates your music, or the very least, a singer that complements the playing music.

My quest is simple. My longing is clear. Just as every performer wants – to please the audience. But I need, I want something more. Someone that would understand my song, someone to give voice to my music. Would I find her? Would I find the audience that would appreciate what I have to convey, not by words nor speech, but through my song?

Tell me, if you know, would the song finds its voice?

the sum of fear, doubt and joy

“All I wanted is to hear his voice again.” Daphne covers her face with her hands as she utters her seemingly desperate remark to Jonathan who’s sitting right next to her. It is another day like usual, people flocking the streets shopping, then stopping for tea, before continuing the ongoing conquest of donating endless quids to the malls.

“You’re rather foolish, you know. So this is what you ask me out here to talk about? Just that and you’re all hyped.” Jonathan with his bemused facial expression explains it all; this is not the first time he has heard about this from his childhood friend.

“But it’s HIM…it was so long since I’ve heard from him. And I heard from him today! Of all people, of course you know how I feel? You must know.”, while saying that, she checks her phone to see if she gets any text message from him. It’s the seventh time since they sat down at the table.

“Can you stop doing that, it is irritating.” Daphne looks at Jonathan apologetically and puts away the phone. “In case you’ve forgotten, it has been MONTHS since you heard from him. And he never once called you! Why can’t you just let it go?” Jonathan looks out onto the streets. He couldn’t bear to see her getting hurt, his words is true, but also painful to her.

“He might have been busy with his studies you know, MBA, he has placements and stuffs, plus he has just moved to the city not long ago. It’s not surprising that he’ll go “missing” for a couple of months.”, Daphne presents her argument as if she’s trying to win a debate. “Yeah, right. Is it that hard to reply your texts? Or better, actually picking up your calls?”, John retorts without much thought. It starts to get onto his nerve.

Daphne just look into her cup of tea, saying nothing. Deep down she knows that Jonathan has his point. Him picking up her call right at this time means a lot to her. It’s her birthday today. She stayed up late last night as she prayed really hard for her birthday wish; to hear him wishing her happy birthday. In the end she got her wish, despite it was just a simple “hello, how are you”, she was overjoyed.

“Look, Daphne, he HAS a girlfriend right now…”. Before he could finished, Daphne cut in, saying, “But not married”. Jonathan helplessly allows her the luxury to state her point, before continuing, “…don’t you think that it’s best to just leave him as it is?”. “All I want is to be his friend, that’s just it. To listen to him sometimes and him listening to me. I’m not forcing him to be my boyfriend…of course it would be great if this happens, but I just want him to be my friend. Is that too much to ask from me?”

“Don’t you think that a girl pestering a boy all the time would be a bad option for marriage? What kind of girls actually do that?”, says Jonathan while taking another sip from his cup “. “Well why not? Why can’t girls chase boys? I know I like him enough”, Daphne exclaims as her face blushes. “Have you ever come across the thought that he might not like what you’re doing, and thus not answering your calls?” Jonathan knows that he has won the argument, for Daphne is speechless.

Looking into her determined eyes convinces Jonathan that it is futile to ask Daphne to give up on him. “You’re just pathetic, you know? Pathetic. You care so much about a boy who might not cared for you, and distancing yourself from other friends, friends who actually have your best interest at heart, friends who actually stood by you through THICK and THIN. Just a call from him made you feel like you’re on cloud nine. When was the last time you spoke to Natasha, Clover and Mandy? You’re almost a stranger to them already.”

Knowing that Jonathan is unhappy with her, Daphne look down into her hands, interlocking her fingers, reeling from guilt. Indeed, her passionate conquest for love has strained other relationships with her friends. Jonathan has a point, is he worth the trouble?

Feeling that he might have been too harsh on Daphne, Jonathan grabs her hand and bid her to look up. “Daphne, go and catch your dreams if you must. Do what you can to reach the stars. But at times, we have to wake up from dreams, we have to put our feet on the ground. Just remember that if you ever need me, I’ll always be there for you.”. At that very moment Daphne could barely hold her tears, but somehow she manage to.

Then with every single ounce of courage she mutters the words. “All I want is to just hear his voice again.”

Jonathan takes up his cup of coffee and take a sip of it. “I know” is the only reply he could think of. It’s almost the end of summer, fall is coming. As Daphne remains silent, engulfed with a thousand thoughts and emotions, time just slipped by. Summer, as Jonathan says to himself, should have lasted longer.

Brief Remark:*I have a lot in my mind lately, and instead of posting my usual genre of poetry, I thought it might be good write a short story instead. As the title suggests, this is the “Sum of Fears, Doubt and Joy”.*

Pathétique

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this feeble mind of mine.

I toiled, sowed and there was little fun;

I relaxed, enjoyed and there was too much time.

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this knuckle-size heart of mine.

Nobody is too big to fit inside, but sadly;

none seem willing to stay behind.

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this fragile soul of mine.

Often I think I’m way beyond my age,

but at times, I’m just a little boy inside.

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this flesh and blood of mine.

I hope to be needed,

yet sadly; I often feel unwanted.

I don’t know if thou ever felt the same,

this same dilemma I’m stranded in.

Things as they are; Life as it is now

is rather tame and lame.

I don’t know how much longer I would remain so,

being down, low and weak.

But thank God, least there’s something I do know,

I am nothing but Pathétique.

EGG fried rice?? kung pow chicken??

I never knew working at a Takeaway restaurant could be that exciting and the meantime exhausting. I always wondered why adults would so easily get worn out working during the day. After all, it’s just taking orders and cooking. How hard can it be?

Then the retribution for my naivety came. I was asked to replace someone at a takeaway restaurant for one night by one of my church members. I might as well earn some money, considering that I have been working for so many days for nothing. I agreed.

I went to help a day before just to get used to what I have to do the following day. I was taught how to greet customers, take down their orders efficiently, and help pack the foods into their containers. My, it was a really tough job! I had to race against time, swiftly taking down orders, passing them to the kitchen, pack up the food, collect the payments, answering the phones. Worst yet, it will always be busy just when your poised to take a rest.

But nothing compared to the following night. I was to manage the counter all by myself while the two cooks cook food in the kitchen. People came in and out, placing orders that doesn’t seem to end, endless packing and counting and rushing between the counter and the kitchen. I had to keep interrupting my dinner just to serve the customers. Approaching 9 o’clock (end of my shift), my feet were numb.

Taking a precious break from all the hard work, I took a glance into the kitchen. Then a sudden epiphany descend onto me: the two cooks in the kitchen had been doing nothing but cooking all the while. They didn’t even had the luxury of sitting down or take a rest like I did. My shift lasted only for 4 hours, but they would have to work for 6 hours daily, 6 days a week. Here I am, a healthy 20 year old, reeling from the ache of standing to long for just 4 hours, occasionally sat down and rested, was actually far more fortunate than them. I realised, the lives of these fellow brethren are not at all easy by any means.

I ended up that night full from the delicious meals these splendid cooks cooked for me, with a considerable amount of money I (undeservedly) earned in my pocket, aching pains in my both feet. But more importantly, I got a glimpse of how harsh life could be on people, flesh and blood of my kind. I need to emulate the tenacity of these people who strives every single day for survival. I realised how small and minute I am in comparison to them. I am far too green, too naive, too foolish.

I might not like to be where I am this summer. But I am sure that this summer has been a blessing in disguised. I’ve learnt and am still learning so much, about things that I cannot get from books and theories, rather by direct experimenting and experiencing others’ way of life. It is so true that at times “people truly live when they are working”.

It is through rewards reaped through toils and hardship makes living all the sweeter.

Summer blues…

I can’t think of other times which I felt more boredom, solitude than tonight. Isn’t summer suppose to be a time of warmth, joy and expectations? What I have in company is the chilling weather, showers of rain with continuous flow of songs to keep my soul awake. Awake from slumbering into nothingness.

I think I miss home. I really do. People ask me why don’t i return for summer, or if I ever missed home. I always answered that it cost too much to fly home, and that I am not really homesick. I wasn’t lying. Flying home would really take off a huge hunk of money from my already depleted bank account. And I am expecting future financial issues that may arise.

I am not homesick, but I do miss those times when my father and I would take a ride out to the shops just within the vicinity of the housing estate, eat some Tuaran Mee, drinking his Chinese Tea he mix himself. He is the living incarnation of Cephas (means rock). He is to me the foundation and rock of this small home. Yet he is not faultless. But if there’s anyone that I could rely on, it would be him.

I miss talking to my mother about her schools, students and teachers. I felt that I have learn so much more than not having a headmistress mother. In truth I can see how she strives for the children and her colleagues, yet saying that I understand every single thing she goes through in life would be a crime. She may appear strong and firm outside. But at times what she needs is a man to rely on.

I miss spending time with my brother, talking about classical music, latest manga, and play *fighting* with him (though there were real fights). Sometimes he just want to look up to me, who foreruns just before him. But I feel that I let him down at times. He has so much potential, so much untapped energies that could easily surpasses me. I think that is why he felt weighted by the heavy expectations my parents have for him. I think, I sometimes make the same mistake of pinning an overdose of hope onto his still fragile and young mind.

I miss the dinners my family so often take together. If there’s anything that I would want more than a trip home, it would be to have a proper meal with my family together. My family is no different from the ones you have. We do have good times together: spending time together, going places together. We do hit low points: we quarrel, argue and fight. But what really matters is that we have each other.

“Where your heart is, there would your treasure be”. My treasure has always been my home. But pardon me, miles to walk before I finally return, before I finally stop.

To do or not to do…

To do or not to do is often the question, the inner struggle that everyone single soul would come to experience it at some point in life. Every decision made would result its designated consequences. No doubt, it is often than not that the consequences of our actions that worries us.

Yet making such decisions are inevitable in life. Decision-making is a seal of approval which recognises that every one of us has free will on their own. The authority over ourselves are placed in our own palms. To not make a choice between doing or not doing means that one has not fully matured.

This brings us into a very awkward situation: we are bound to suffer the consequences of our decisions, be it good or bad, yet we cannot escape the fact that we are our own lords. To remain indecisive, not making choices is the utmost delusional and self-denial state anyone could be in.

Dear readers, I am, more often than not, stranded in such a position.

If the choices presented to me are dialectic or at both extremes, life would be more easier to me. But I always find myself being tempted by things that seem not entirely bad, yet not entirely right. For example, my friends and I would sometimes joke about sex, which is normal for youngsters like us. It is a form of entertainment, and I admit, some CAN be really funny. It is only harmful to you, if somehow you can be related to those jokes. It is not simply black and white nor entirely gray. Free will might be God’s greatest gift to mankind. But it takes a lot of courage and wisdom to utilize such privilege.

I would not be surprise if those who are reading this share the same experience as I. I am so urged to do things that brings me pleasure, especially those that seem to bring no harm. What’s wrong to have fun? Nothing bad is going to happen. What’s worse is when I start to justify things I do to make me feel better. After all, its entertaining and does no harm.

To do or not to do. It is also said, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”. If you feel the same, remember that you’re not alone. I guess the price to pay for free will is continuously struggle between the soul and the body. Can you lust for pleasure suppressed by your conscience in persevering to do the right thing? It is going to be a life-long battle, and it is often a lonely fight. But whatever things may come, I pray, I’ll do the right thing.

Of Israel and Me…

I have always struggled with this in my belief; Israel is the chosen nation by God himself. In fact, I envied them for being such a blessed nation, that God always look out for them and probably still. It was beyond my comprehension how a nation with less than a million population could have dominated the Holy Land. God would fight their wars, provide what they need, forgive their misgivings. The very fact that they are the “specially chosen” people made me felt sidelined, even felt being outside God’s Love.

The Messianic Prophecy was also given for the sake of Israel; a promise conceived since the ages of Isaiah which every Jew hold on within their heart & faith. Jesus even proclaimed that he came “for the lost sheep of Israel”. I wondered how the Gentiles of those ages felt. Did they had the same thought as I? Was Salvation only meant for Jews? Why, of all race across the world, of all their disbelieve, cruelty, somewhat barbaric nature God has chosen such nation and bless it with milk and honey?

I thought, how could God, being omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscience, would only love one Israel?

The Jews are indeed a blessed nation. In their height of power, they had the mighty, benevolent and philosophical King David. God was with them. Yet when both Judah and Israel fell, its people exiled, God was still with them. In her lowest point in history, Isaiah delivered God’s ultimate promise of deliverance and the promise for Messiah. How good was God to them!!

Yet the Jews are not without fault. They are no where righteous or sinless. In fact, they are weak in faith. They turn away from God so many times that it is beyond human understanding to comprehend God’s unfailing love and loyalty towards them. Amidst being a fallen nation, her people scattered around the world, Israel is reborn with bloodshed and war. This day the world witness the endless turmoil that results in rivers of blood in this land of “milk & honey”. Is the Israel we all see today the “chosen” people of God? One that commits genocide, murder or even attempting world domination?

I must admit, being heavily influenced by the teachings of the bible, that I tend to favour Israel in the Middle East saga. The territory conflict between Israel and Palestine is being justified as what God has promised them in my own conscience. After all, the Israelites inherited the land with bloodshed and war. Why is it wrong again for them to simply repeat what was done by their fore fathers?

The Jews were the reason why the world’s major religion exists today; Judaism, Christianity, Islam. All these teachings focused in the lives of these “great” Jews which many Muslims hated. I always had a feeling that they were taught to hate Jews by their own religion. As for me, being a Christian, I have always struggled between condoning Israel reclaiming her lost glory and condemning her inhuman means of achieving it.

The Israelite’s attack on the Humanitarian Ships sparked lots of response, be it virtual or real world. We would see demonstrations on the streets, declaration of hatred on the internet. Just switch on the TV and Facebook; You shall get it all. People goes around declaring “I hate Israel”, “Kill all the Jews!!” etc. What is most damaging is people get over emotional and irrational in instances such as these. Indeed, what Israel did was shameful. I detest it to the very bottom of my heart. But who are we Christians, Jews, Muslims to claim that God is love and peace by saying “I hate you”, “you hate me”. Hate, is the very essence that breeds hate. How would you stop hatred by hating another?

I believe people would hate God for the things that happened. Its perfectly understandable. But if you must hate for the things that happened, hate and detest the sins that are committed unto you. Hate not the people who sin against you. You and I are both flesh and blood, what really differs us is what we hold onto in our hearts. It is inevitable that Good and Evil must Co-exist in this fallen world. Even if Israel is wiped off from the world, another Israel would rise up and walk in their stead. Good thrives when Evil is strong. How can anyone be sure that once Israel in punished, all those killings and injustice would stop?

Many claim that the Zionists are to be blame for everything. They control and manipulate the economy, politics, media, education and many more. How true is this I do not know, and is never my concern. What concerns me is not the destruction of all “Bad” people in the world. What concerns me is not the peace won through blood and war. concerns me is if I can look past all these prejudices, and love everybody I come in contact with as how Jesus loves me. I suggest you to be of concern if you can just love another human being just as he/she is, and fill this world with as little love as you have to offer.

There is no other time which requires us, whatever religion we might profess, to be united against all kinds of hatred. All three religions teaches that Judgement Day must come. Famine, war, calamity are the signs of Armageddon. It is truly the time where humans, as individuals and nations alike to stand together and brace themselves for the coming days. If we cannot love one another now, what would the world look like when it’s the Day of Judgement? Hell descends upon us the very second we give in to hate. At that time, no religion would withstand the aftermath. People would not know what they believe anymore. It is then when our faith needs to be most steadfast, it is then when it is truly the era of hate. Love one another when you still can, for time is swiftly running out.

Star Gazing Rhapsody

At times it’s just so,

you’re so far off

even the summer nights felt cold,

missing your acquaintance felt aloft.

Could it be that it’s written,

as a star-crossed dream??

or is it bidding for its own time,

for the rhythm to suit the rhyme?

If there must be a cause

for now in life and days to come,

i fear this could be my “paradise lost”;

for i truly wish you to be happy.

for to heap my blessings upon this curse

is a cruel and painful thing.

but if i should never drink what i thirst,

you would always be the song i sing…

牛郎与织女

生前盼望死后衰

初时爱意终要怠

漫漫人生必有终

飘飘云彩去无踪

心里挂齿暗自喜

天边茫茫藏知己

醉翁之意非在酒

倾城含笑往心流

人生自古谁无死

乃留丹青照汗青

牛朗心芳早她归

只问织女心属谁

两岸樱猴唙不住

轻舟已过万重山

心里无奈欲大哭

只待相逢依不晚

默然守候此日到

你我白头偕到老

织女纵归天上仙

牛郎只得尽圣贤

i thought…

I thought i don’t,

but the truth is i miss you…

many a days spent is far too few,

how i regret my silent truth…

i thought i am strong,

but how i recall those evening strolls

we took together at the park…

i thought 3 years is short,

and that i should spend it wisely….

but i can’t help but imagine as this battle fought,

what I've lost in you…

i thought i can just let you go,

by indulging myself in fantasies…

but when these in truth are shred apart,

it is your company that i truly long…

i thought i can and would,

be happy for whom you’ve got…

but this is nothing that my heart has sought,

i am bitter for all that’s lost…

i thought this is all but set,

perhaps it is, perhaps it’s not…

i need to do, what i should and what i ought,

to defend this fragile fort…

i think and thought,

all for naught…

i fight and fought,

god will bring me my final lot…

为何？

为何自个儿哭？

您又成了爱的俘虏？

为何自个儿伤悲？

又让感情串肠断腑？

为何让泪遮盖眼前路，

掩盖美好前途？

为何让挂念把手于您？

耳边徘徊的，还是他的声音？

问世间情为何物，直叫人以身相许？

若盼新的会来，就得让旧的过去。

这首心中旋转的情歌，

究竟是一首总要播完的曲。

为何自个儿心酸？

回想了当时的甜蜜吗？

为何还盼他会心软，

回心转意回到您身旁？

为何守着已被放弃的诺言？，

反倒忽略旁人的关怀？

为何为爱依然痴心绝对，

活不出来生命中各种精彩？

仰天锤锤胸膛，打开您那已闭上的心芳。

低头抱抱肩膀，纳受幸福是要打开手掌，

让爱自降临心芳！

melodic keepers of the past…

Lately I got hooked up to Mandarin Songs again and in truth I find them more personal than most English songs that I knew. More personal in the sense that Chinese artists sings a lot about love: platonic and erotic love. I wonder how I let those younger days past without listening to them.

So I ended up scouring YouTube and several sites to download these songs for hours. Some songs remind me of my secondary school days, of how I was so ignorant about love, about how my own introvert self has cost me so much.

Some songs reminds me of friendship, of how I used to have friends to play and fool around all day. Of how I used to feel belonged to a group of silly people. I must say I miss those times, when these friends decorated most of my life. I was naive, I did not appreciate them.

Some songs reminds me of certain individuals that commanded a special place in my heart, and also those few that still. I can’t help but sigh, that if I have known them earlier, or had I been more outgoing, or had I approached them earlier, my life would be considerably changed.

I don’t know if I would ever get the chance to redeem what I have missed all these years. I know in life we would not be able to return to amend our choices, what I have left, is nothing more than the memories that are engraved in these songs. Little it may be, but I guess I’ll be listening to these for quite some time, for it is through this that I may hope to relive those times in those melodies…

知音颂

人生难得遇知己，

但求知音同心思。

楼上遥望东至西，

与您相论不计时。

乾坤运行无止尽，

人生渺茫有几回。

能得知音乃是幸，

您却心里倒有谁？

夕阳之短几分焉，

与友共处赏夕阳。

天涯纵然赐红颜，

海角自会备心芳。

If Only You know…

If only you know,

what a friend I’ve found in you.

of such the interest that we share,

the same passion of the same flair.

If only you know,

this feeling of acquaintance that I feel,

of such rarity, that I was amazed that you are You,

out of so many, you are few among the few.

Yet I wonder, what of me do you feel?

as of the same passion that we share,

are the hopes I dare to habour would be real?

If only you know.

Ramblings of the fool…

 

Some people say:

 

“what is to come must always come,

be it your knowledge or not.

what is to pass must always pass,

be it physical, bonds or even thoughts.”

 

then some say:

 

“if so why we bother to live in full,

knowing that our lives have all but set.

are we to just live strictly to the rule,

to the rule of some divine entity name Fate?”

 

yet i believe life harbours a divine purpose,

for the wise or the foolish, or the rich or poor.

to live is to work towards something

that might last beyond the clutches of hell,

when the flesh would one day fail.

 

to wait patiently for Time to run its course,

is the only thing i can do.

for even God loves and cares for the sparrows,

what more would He do for this sinful fool?

 

call me naive, call me a fool,

tell me that i don’t deserve it all;

i’m may be the worse among the pool.

yet i shall rejoice and rise from this fall,

 

let others say they’re better, that they stand up tall.

let my soul say, i was at the highest

when to my knees i fall.

let my soul sing, i am loved

even if the world hates me to the core.