第三十天

这段日子，可真不好受。按照港剧里演变出来的常理，我现在应该是去五里岗哪里的酒吧混一混，戒酒解愁。可惜天生宅的很，一整天把自己困在家里头电脑荧幕打开着一系列的经典港剧，从头看到。到底看了几遍都不清楚了，心头里唯一赖着不走的悲伤仍然还在。

 再悲伤，在不愉快，日子一样要过，干嘛跟自己过不去呢？

 说来容易，要做出来可真的要鞠行啊。之前从大伯家里溜出来的烈酒，正好派上用场。一开始还想着模仿电视里酒鬼一杯一杯灌烈酒，好像很威风，很潇洒，结果隔天醒来额头疼的厉害，喉咙哑了半天。

俗话说得对，时间可以冲淡一切。

日子久了，烈酒感觉上也没那么烈了，味道也逐渐黯淡，习惯。偶尔就换了烈酒，再喝得烂醉，隔天醒来方觉家里弄得一团糟。每当酒醒就会觉得很颓废，很没出息。但深夜失眠，可奈何，依然选择捷径，麻醉自己，昏昏迷迷过日子。

一个人不曾醉酒，根本不可能体会到醉汉的心态。你问我为什么喜欢喝酒，还喝得烂醉？喝酒真的那么爽快那么High吗？酒，酿得再香，调得再好，始终都是苦的；天下地上根本没有不苦的酒。没人会因为酒好味道而灌酒。大量喝下辛辣的烈酒，常常戳伤喉咙，损坏肠胃，这些举动其实是很自损，很犯贱。

 这是何苦呢？

 心里的创伤，疼痛欲大哭，要哭却哭不出，这种感受难熬。这无痛的痛，是没办法用言语行动来表达的。就像忧郁病人自残来体验自己的存在感，灌酒得来的辛，舌头端的苦，让痛楚有了声音，让悲哀有了表态，就这样得以释放，可以释怀。

 你不知道吗，没声音的痛最苦，而没声音的苦最痛？

想你的夜

车尾灯早已陷入黑暗，相伴着我的只是剩下凉凉的北风。我屹立不动，仍然瞪着前方的漆黑，默想着刚才你你我我的局面，嘴边顿时露出笑意。

记忆犹新，我手里还能察觉到你遗下的体温。空气中悬挂着你喜爱的兰花香，循环着、围绕着我。闭上双眼，你那羞答答的脸孔又浮在眼前。我伸出双手迎接你扑入我怀，但你依然笑着不动，却移开了眼神。

你逗我笑了两下，一不小心，你就从我眼前消失了。叹了口气，张开眼睛，我仰首望着夜空。你又逗我傻笑了。我舌头舔了舔双唇，嘴里还留着你的味道。又闭上了双眼，我顿时又在车子里，双手紧握着你脸颊，嘴唇牢牢地印在你的嘴上。

逐渐的，一开始被动、害羞得你，开始热诚、主动起来。心里掩不住欢喜，我笑了两下。你也笑了。我正要说话，这次你却把身躯投向我，用自己丰满的嘴唇，封住了我的话。虽也无言，但真情流露，你我都明白，没有任何东西是永恒的，没有什么会是永远的。

一阵冷风，把我灵魂打回原地。没有了你的笑容，没有了你的撒娇，更没有你带给我的温馨，我顿时觉得无比的孤单、寂寞。但我知道，天涯的另一端，你也会一样地对我牵挂，百般相思。

“Hey...我真的好想你。”

我行我素

血方刚 士气烈

摊手自信逆伦常

岂能一指定天下

 

心顿灰 意甚冷

仰天渐觉溪两颊

俯首方感鬓双白

 

口叹气 唉声矣

合掌奈何问苍天

宽指舍去泪满襟

该背道攀亦顺势堕？

 

心正思诚 不足矣？

意直念恳 曲折需？

热血淡泪 格外清

是非对错 额外明

人情世故自古清则明

 

坦然相对 报之怒颜

肝胆相照 换之贬视

由古惟吾任我行

至今无异纵我素

悲乐

试问世间何谓情

至叫吾肚绞断肠？

探遍人间何为义

竟使尔为人舍己？

 

双眼含泪问苍天

情义何以难共存？

俯首叹气问大地

红线月老弄七夕？

 

吾心虽悲亦无憾

一阵甜蜜三分酸

的尔知己满足已

有此红颜无悔兮

你---给不到

你发问的时候...

这一刹那，我自己也不知道自己究竟想要什么。我到底期盼些什么？感情上的解脱，还是那钩人心思的牵挂？直觉告诉自己，此时放手最为明智。但心，确实百般不想，万分不愿。

难道我要的那么难以琢磨？所要的，所需的，可都一样吗？我要的是什么？伴？能互相诉说心思的红颜，互相倾听心事的知己？还是那一刻终于得到一向来梦寐以求的一阵满足感？我真的不知道。

我曾经何年何月何日何时，以为自己真真实实拥有这一切。但，树欲静而风不止。世事十之八九，不如人意。一眨眼，酒后三分醒，梦毕六神清。愿意与否，自己就从这自欺欺人的梦境，被打回这残酷的现实。

我要的毕竟是什么？很遗憾，很可惜...

你---给不到。

Come By Faith

I have no words to calm your heart,

or the presence to give you assurance.

Take a little leap of faith,

come, pray with me.

 

I have neither the expertise to ease your pain,

nor the control over the sore and ache.

But do take this leap of faith,

come, weep with me.

 

I lay no claim that I can comprehend,

what you are going through.

Do take  the leap of faith,

Come, wail with me.

 

There are no magic words to sooth the agony,

or the power to make these go away.

Let’s take this little leap of faith,

Come, jump with me.

 

I have no faith in the age-old lie,

that “All would be, and will be well”.

But believe me, for “What will be, will be”,

So come, soar with me.

 

Let none the bells of St. Peter’s gate,

high up ringing and lamenting in grief.

But should it must, then so be it,

for I’ll always be here for you,

 

SO HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME,

COME, COME LEAP WITH ME!!!

 

F/N: This is dedicated to a dear friend who is struggling to overcome a massive challenge in life. There are no words to express the mortifying agony that stems from  my inability to do anything to provide any form of assistance. There is nothing that I can offer other than these words; a sincere prayer, the anguish expressed from the heart. May these words of prayer be a source of comfort to this dear friend in time of trial and need. And amidst of  the troubled waters, gives hope and form to  the words embedded beneath all the pain and sorrow. May this poem also be the prayer for all that may also be struggling with life.

铃声

或许，我不是你所需的，更加不是你所要的。但我想让你知，我现在，还在你心窍门前徘徊。或许我太在乎你，不容自己逼你做你不要和不想做的事。很自愿地，为了成全你，就牺牲自己。双目无神，泪满双襟，默默地守候那渺然的期盼。

难道你不曾心动，仍然坚持拒我于千里之外？难道你不曾心软，对一切无动于衷？难道你麻木了，就好比我盲了双眼？难道，一切的一切，这些的这些，所有的所有，都弥补不了你心中的空缺，你心灵里的缺陷？

你可真的是那只永远不会出现的野兔？苦苦守着株树，换来只有岁月的冲洗，光阴的遗弃？难道一切都是纯粹的偶然，真的并非冥冥之中的天算？

望梅，倒可以止渴；画饼还可以充饥。对你单恋的痛楚，相思的悲哀，我到底要用什么来麻痹自己？

你在我心里设下的毒，何时方解？

Falling Into Heaven: Silent Night

Picking up the chilled tankard, he emptied it right down in several big gulps, before slamming it onto the surface of the black, sleek table. Feeling it rising inside him, he braced himself against the incoming burp. It hit him hard, almost ending up regurgitating all the booze he had been drowning himself in for the past hour.

Trying to sooth that dreadful feeling, he held a palm across his chest, another against the table, resting his forehead upon it. When it finally passed, he leaned back against the chair as far as he could, both hands covering his face, giving his stiff back some stretching. All he had been doing for the past few weeks were just typing and drafting proposals and documents, and that’s gradually hitting his breaking point.

In a spur of madness he laughed hysterically, drawing plenty of attention from the other patrons of the bar.

Screw it. Nobody knows nobody here.

This wasn’t the usual place they hit on girls or get drunk all those times. It’s more of a pub than a karaoke lounge or a club. The patrons here are usually senior citizens or people that actually wants to have a proper conversation surrounded by somewhat jazzy ambience. He wasn’t in his suits either; just jeans and a denim jacket hiding the hideous Spiderman T-shirt he got last Christmas.

Like all bartenders, this one seemed to telepathically read his mind, popped another bottle of Heineken free of its cap and placed it before him. “Thanks,” he smiled bitterly. The bartender replied with a thumbs up before saying, “Haven’t seen you around before. You new in this neighbourhood?”

He nodded, “Just passing by.”

“Where’re you headed to?”

“Anyway but the city, I suppose,” he answered after giving it some thought.

The bartender stared back at him, then smiled back at him empathically, before he was summoned to serve the other customers. Feeling relieved yet partly disappointed, he was sipping his beer alone, left to his own thoughts. One hand holding the bottle, his left was constantly reaching out to the peanuts, stuffing them in at a staccato-ish tempo…

“There you are!!” A voice boomed from the back, before a palm landed on his shoulder.

“Another one of his, please!!” Dyke, in his suit,  rested himself right next to him, while busily texting someone on his mobile. A moment later the mobile was shoved into his pocket, and Dyke turned his attention to the beer of bottle that was just placed before him.

“Cheers,” he held his half-drained bottle mid-air, waiting for Dyke to return the gesture.

“To your health, mate.” Both of them took a big sip, before resorting to another stretch of silence.

“You cool?” Dyke broke silence, while staring intently at him.

“Yeah…no…No, I’m not,” he replied, decided to be honest to his workmate in the end.

“You mad?? It was that night, isn’t it?? I’m sorry but we were all high. I was freaking high. I couldn’t tell from left to right,” Dyke resorted to his apologetic tone.  

He allowed himself the luxury to chuckled for a moment of two, before sipping on his beer, almost choking himself when he tried recalling how high they were that night.

“YOU, my friend, were TOTALLY WASTED,” he continued, “no offence taken.” Dyke sighed in relief, but in no way was prepared for what came next.

Raising his beer mid-air, he gave Dyke toast. “To your ignorance and stupidity, for which if absent from my life would result in a severe deterrence to enlightenment and understanding, of which I  be subjected to a loop of endless  self-gratifying and self-pitying of my own.”

Without waiting for a response, he emptied his tankard, leaving Dyke stunned and speechless in his spot. Dyke was just starring at him, trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. Slamming the tankard onto the table, he said, “The tab’s on you,” before standing up and left for the door.

Making his way onto the streets, he paced northwest towards the city, not exactly sure where he intends to go next. Even more so after insulting and pissing of his one of the few friends and colleague he could actually mingle around at work.

It’s gonna be so AWKWARD…

He wasn’t sure why he acted that way, and the reason he had uttered such hurtful words was beyond his comprehension. But he felt good afterwards; some kind of poison expunged from the inside after his outburst. Someone had to pay for that and Dyke was the unfortunate scapegoat who took that head on like a champ. To be fair, nobody is MORE QUALIFIED than Dyke to be at the receiving end.

Perhaps I should apolog…

CRASH!!!

All he felt next was a crushing blow descending upon his skull, and a searing pain punctured through his left temple. He crumbled onto the ground almost instantly, before feeling his hands on some kind of slack fabric. It was pitch black but soon enough he was tasting blood in his mouth. There were lots of shouting but there wasn’t anything that he could make out before he lost consciousness…

Religious Diversity - Reason for Bigotry Or Room for Love??

There can be no worst start to the year 2014 with the news of the raiding on the Bible Society of Malaysia looming over the headlines of every major news reporting portal. It is utterly offensive, intrusive and disappointing that the whole “Allah” row has come to such a stage.

Some say that this is a mere political gimmick. A hand dealt by the politicians to divert the Rakyat’s attention from the more abrasive issue of rising living costs and inflation rates. Like first delivering a body blow which is swiftly followed by illegal elbow to the chest. Surely both hurt like hell, but the victim would most likely cry foul over the illegal assault, forgetting about the real damaged done by the prior attack.

I would say that is a rather fair assessment of the situation, but I believe despite the grumblings and complaints everybody is set on adapting to the higher living costs and the weaker buying power that the year 2014 entails. Because there is simply nothing much that we can do to change that fact. It’s part and parcel of life.

But now it seems more to me that they really mean business. To weed out all potential elements that may cause confusion among my Malay brethren, to deter all un-Islamic influence that may cause my Malay brothers to divert from their faith. A blanket ban on exclusive Islamic terminology which are prohibited for non-Muslims. The thought of second guessing what would happen next is really what scares me. The unknown and the probability of religious persecution lurking right behind the corner is what terrifies me.

In all honesty, it doesn’t really matter to me whether I am allowed to use the words such as “Allah”, “Nabi” etc. It is after all, in their words, “non-integral to the practice of [my] Christian faith”. It doesn’t really matter what man calls God, for God has declared that “I am who I AM”; He is God regardless of what you call him.

But I can’t say the same for my Malay-speaking brothers and sisters in Christ. Whose fault it is, that they have little or almost no command of the English language? And who are the ones that go all out to try to reach out to these people that can only communicate in Malay? What started as a mere gesture to reach out to the secluded became a tradition of the church, which has also become an inheritance, a mark of identity especially to those in Sabah and Sarawak.

The truth is, the verdict delivered by the Court of Appeals has almost no bearings on the practice of my Christian faith. I can readily accept that verdict and leave it to God, praying that one day all Malaysia will finally have a leader that Malaysians of all ethnicity and religion can be proud of. Leaders that believe in tolerance, respecting each other and love. A society where churches visited by non-Christians, Friday sermons frequented by non-Muslims, Buddhist prayers attended by non-Buddhists. Isn’t the very core of the whole “Allah” issue is the shallow understandings of our own religion and of others, as well as the ignorance we beheld against each other? It is a really terrifying notion of how little we understand about each others’ religion!!

Aren’t we all Malaysians? Aren’t we all entitled to the same rights enshrined in the Constitution? The right to religious freedom and to practice them in a peaceful manner? Is it even Islamic to protect ones of privilege at the expense of another? Would conducting raids and enforcing bans promote Islam? Mind you, that the more you ban something, the more popular it becomes.

I don’t wish to sound condescending, but allow me to make several anecdote based on my experience studying overseas. There was no “surau” in our campus, but the Chaplain of my university offered  a “quiet room” to my Muslim friends to pray in, as many times as they need. This room is situated inside the Chapel itself. He even had prayer mats and Kiblah signs prepared in the room for the Muslims.

On another note, our Malaysian society was organising a festival for the locals one day. We were busy entertaining our guests with performances, food and games throughout. But contrary to popular beliefs, my Muslim friends were as pious as any Muslim could be. When it was time, everybody stopped working and the “imam” led the prayers right in the middle of the campus, open air for everybody to see. There were many curious stares, some whispering in wonder about what they were doing. But for me, I couldn’t possibly be more proud for my friends, for they were carrying out their duties as best as they can, for all to see. The wonderful thing is, while the Muslims were praying, the non-Muslims were explaining to the local visitors (mostly British) what they were doing.

I’ll leave you with this: Aren’t this two instances the best possible testimonies for the respective religion? Aren’t these two instances the epitome of tolerance, understanding and respect?

AMEN/AMIN to that!!