I love to write poems; for it is the cryptology of the linguistic language. But at times (like this) I just feel like I want to express myself without encrypting mind twisting symbolisms.
Likewise, I wish to have friends who can see past the crypts of my tale; the true emotions behind the mask. But how many really do?? How many really empathize or “walk in my skin”??
Sometimes I am just so let down by the things and happenings around me. I want and choose to “believe in the best of others”, but as how the wise Mr. Mior puts it in, “people would always disappoint you”. Sometimes I’m so down i wanted to give up believing that there is sincerity between friendship.
I believe most readers would understand the traumatic events that led to this pathetic me. But for the sake of those who doesn’t, I’ll spare the pain of going through it all again (mentally).
I think I committed the greatest taboo in a friendship; I was infatuated with a friend of mine. Everything was fine and well, till under some circumstances that my feelings were made known. Things became sour and the friendship rots away. But that’s not the worse of it. What I can’t and yet to comprehend is why I am being treated such a way. You may say that i befriended in order to approach her; I do not deny. But my question is, “WHO DOESN’T??”. You may say that I wasn’t sincere in the friendship. Alright, I admit that there is this little part that I am not being truthful about; My true feelings for her. Yet this was because I fear what would become of us if she ever finds out. Truly enough, there couldn’t be any worst things that took place.
In that relationship (be it friendship or infatuation), I say that I gave my all. I’m hurt till this day because I loved. But after all this while, things were swept under the cabinet, and I am STILL in the dark.
But readers must have wondered, why now?? Why after a year or more only I voiced out this concern of mine?? In truth I am constantly in struggle overcoming this trauma of mine all these while. If my dear friends think otherwise, you can’t be much wrong than you are. It is not the trauma of being rejected, but the trauma of being treated so unfairly by a friend that I have cared and love (as a friend) so much. It is so severe that it effects my interactions with other friends (I believe some would understand this). Beneath the coldness of my facial expressions lies a vast ocean of uncertainty.
While I am still suffering from this undignified pain, this friend of mine is rather sociable. Well, it is none of my business to meddle or to comment upon it, after all that had happened. But I find it hard to accept the fact how one can truly call another friend (or lover) when he/she treated others unfairly?? By all means, be happy (and it’s always a good thing to have someone). I am not writing to criticise or to protest any forms of relationship this friend is bonding, in the present or the future. But I do want to relay the message that though I may seem minute and insignificance in your life, but you once held the highest regard I bestow to my love ones (especially MARJON 1 IPGAYA, family and a special friend). No matter what you think of me, I had once tried to believe in the best of you. I have to admit, as a dear friend of mine puts it, “you both are still friends, just not that close anymore”. By all means, we are still friends (that’s if you wouldn’t mind), but if you wouldn’t after reading this post under any circumstances, i have nothing to say.All I could do is to wish you luck, for I think (I don’t know what others think) that you need much of it.
Indeed the truth doesn’t matter now, for I’m being let down all and out. I pray that those I love and those who love me would still stick with me through the thick and thin, for I need all the love there is to get over this trauma of mine. Help me to rediscover my faith and trust in the best of others, help me to recover the sweetness in true friendship, help me in my quest to be a good friend to those who hath and still love me, and a better one to those who doesn’t.
-Bornion Crusader-