Peniel: Struggling with Life & God

U.&.I – Part III

2012-02-09T03:13:00.001+08:00

*thu-thump*

She just need to reach out her arms, but even then he seems miles apart. So static. Time flows, but seems to flow around them. She wished that moment could last longer.

*thump**thu-thump*

“I’m going that way, what about you?”, he said while rubbing both his palms together. It was really cold, vapour escapes his trap as he spoke. Weirdly, her face was burning. She attributes it to the shot of Malibu she just drank minutes earlier.This scene seems all to familiar, almost deja-vu. She knew it but can’t say for sure.

*thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump*

“I gotta catch my ride on the other end…”, to her it felt like forever to concoct her response. Something seems to grow in her mind. She tries to remember, but nothing is coming back to her.

Trying to ignore that feeling, she continued, “Guess this is it?”

*thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump*

“Its all been too good, too good to be true…What won’t I give to stay behind?”. He chuckled as he uttered those words.

Why won’t you stay behind then?

A prolonged period of silence followed, only interjected by the noise from the traffic. He wore a look on his face like someone that is searching hard for the correct words.

*thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump*

“Too bad this is not what I need now. I need a reset.”

“Let’s keep in touch eh? Drop by if you happen to come over…”

Masking the fact that her tears are at the verge of falling, she remained silent and smiled back, indicating that she would.

He replied in silent, then turned to leave. As he walked away, she set her eyes on his back, getting smaller by the second, more and more unreachable, slipping away from her.

*thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump*

Won’t you give me one last look?

She couldn’t hold back any longer, the loss finally overwhelms her determination. Not wanting to allow herself too much tears, she wiped her eyes and look up once more.

*thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump**thump*

He was staring back from afar. That moment she recalled, it was on this same street. He was walking towards her, and she towards him. The first time she met him, the first time she spoke to him, the first time she fell for him.

Looking at her from afar one last time, he smiled, waved his hands, and walked away. This time he didn’t look back again. But she was satisfied. He was thinking about the same thing too.

*thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump**thump*

Standing right at the spot where everything began, everything ends. She turned around and walked away, leaving nothing but drops of tears on the grey pavement, leaving with a piece of his heart in hers, and hers in him.

*thu-thump* *thu-thump*

*thump**thu-thump**thump**thu-thump*

*thump*thump**thu-thump*

*thu-thump*

*thu*

U.&.I. – Part II

2012-01-27T19:22:00.001+08:00

“Hey, how has it been?”

Mary passed a pint of Stella Artois over to her while she tries to fit herself in the already crowed sofa. The others, are either cheerfully or depressingly singing themselves away at the karaoke set. They were now singing Queens’ We are the champion.

“That’s the fifth time they’re singing this tonight”

She took up her pint of beer saying, “Don’t they sing any other songs?”

“There are if you’re a fan of Bon Jovi’s Have a nice day or Scoprions’ Wind of Change..”

“Oh my, tomorrow is going to be Hangover’s Day for everybody…”

Both girls broke a laughter that was barely audible masked by the deafening voices of their colleagues. It seemed that they needed this little stress reliever. The whole team was stressed out for the past two weeks handling the Nexus project assigned to them. Calculation were normal, but most of the team had to go into the field and collect data. To their credit, the takeover process was smooth as silk. That’s why they were all here tonight, celebrating, all cost under the company’s tab.

“So what’s the plan for the weekend?”

“Owh, erm…probably on the couch watching some rented movies…”

“Wow, is that all you gonna do? Your aggressive boyfriend won’t like it since you passed on every single opportunity to go for lunch this whole week…”

She almost spilled her beer, choked a little, before Mary handed her a tissue.

“Now…”, still recovering, she said, “he’s not my boyfriend…Just an old friend I knew back in my teens…”

“Isn’t he a persistent one? You could actually consider him..”

“No way, he’s just…a friend…”

She poured herself a bit of beer out of a different mug, taking a sip of it. Realising that she liked that better than the earlier one, she poured herself a pint full of it, drowned away nearly half of it in a gulp.

“Owh my, you sure you aren’t in any trouble?”

“No…it’s just that I’m kinda *hiccup*…appy…and *hiccup* at the same time…”

“Anybody would…him coming every single day asking you out for lunch. Well, not entirely good looking but he’s passionate. Only you would give him a pass. If I were you…”

“Hey Mary!! Come over here, you need to sing too!!” Some voice apparently transpired the small crowd in front of the television.

“Alright!! Will be there shortly!! Pre-emptive song selection: If Tomorrow Never Comes for me please!!”

Seeing her now lying half-asleep on the couch, Mary took her winter jacket and wrapped around her warmly, making sure that she’s comfortable before moving towards the others joining in the fun.

*hiccup* If tomorrow never co…*hiccup*…mes…*hiccup*

*hiccup*Would you know *hiccup* how much *hiccup* love you? *hiccup*

U.&.I. - Part I

2012-01-14T06:23:00.001+08:00

“Come on! Again? Don’t you have anything to do? Don’t you have a career?”

“Come one! Didn’t you know I’m making see you my career?”

Always and ever cheerful. Never seemed bothered or busy. Didn’t he work for Ernest & Young? Didn’t know they have so much free time.

“I see you almost every day!”, she said while picking up the stack of files from her messy desk, then walked towards the conference room. He greeted her colleagues as they moved along the corridor.

“For God’s sake! You live just two blocks away and you carpool with me!” Pushing the door open with her left shoulder, she let herself and him into the room.

“If you don’t mind…”

He took half of the stack from her arms, then began to lay the files before each seat. As diligent as she always is, she laid the files and arranged them neatly on the table, before turning to the computer checking that everything is in order.

“I take from your silence that we’ll be heading out to Vester’s? I know they serve real good….”

“You should take from my silence that I’m occupied and busy!” She threw him an angry look.

Always so smooth sailing in life, graduated top in class from an Ivy college in accountings, getting numerous job offers without effort, then got accepted straight into the prestigious E&Y’s Financial department. Wondered how such a laid-back, lazy, slouch-like guy could be so blessed. Won’t surprise her if he come clean one day admitting that he has a guardian fairy.

As for her, she had to work her socks off every single day at the local university just to pay off her tuition fees. Now, she’s just a small timer designer trying to make an impression to her team leader.

“Come on! Just this once? Please?”

“Huh…I can’t. I’ve got presentation this after lunch. That’s why I’m doing all this.”

Now sulking and looking disappointed, he said, “Huh…Alright, I know, guess I won’t get my long awaited lunch…”,

“Just go.”

“…probably should just grab a quick sandwich down at the cafe.”

Ignoring him she continued to work, now arranging her presentation notes.

“Oh great, now the infamous silence treatment.”

Still ignoring him, she booted her laptop and started typing.

“I guess I should go now.”

*Silence*Fingers typing*Silence*Fingers typing*

*Door creaking* *Door closes*

Post

2011-11-11T06:26:00.001+08:00

It took me quite a while, thinking about what to write for my 100th post on my blog. Maybe, for once, I should just write some ramblings like what people usually do on their blogs for a change. Couldn’t quite believe after nearly 5 years into blogging, I’m only about to reach a century of posts.

But certainly, I do take my time in everything. Probably too much and too often. Well, life’s about making mistakes and paying dearly for them afterwards. A romantic would say, give in everything to your passion, and enjoy the aesthetics of life, appreciate the beauty of beauty. A pragmatist would reply, be practical, work hard, play hard and live hard. A modernist, would simply refute both, and claim that life is not what they think is, and nobody is equipped with the correct definition of it.

I can’t provide you a definite explanation either. But allow me to try. Life’s more like a dream within a dream. There was once I found myself in one of the coffee shops back home in M’sia, eating my favourite dish, siting in one of those big round tables, helping myself to the splendid food and drinks. But then, I asked myself how I ended up being there. Funnily enough, I couldn’t recall catching a train to London, nor a flight from the UK back to M’sia.

At that instance, I realised, I was dreaming.

Then there was once I found myself leaving a building, for whatever reasons I couldn’t recall. But at the entrance I encountered several primary school friends, friends that I’ve not seen for years. We chat, spoke and joke for quite some time, until someone came up to me and said, “You gave me something before you left, didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me yourself?” Taken aback, I realised she wasn’t there a minute earlier before. Feeling my face going red in embarrassment, then I woke up.

Dream within a dream. Isn't life life within a life? Just as there are different “scenes” between dreams, you get different “landmarks” in life. Just like dreams, sometimes life gets ridiculous, illogical, yet at times reflect the upmost, deepest desire and longings that’s very well hidden. Unlike the romantics, I cannot always express whatever is inside. Unlike the pragmatics, sometimes I need to petrify myself with fantasies and dreams. Unlike the modernists, though uncertainty is fine, there are always qualities, such as friendship and kinship, that remains constant and unchanged.

This “post” is merely another landmark, to determine where I am now, and to decide which way to move on towards. My journey from the first posting till the 100th has been a truly remarkable experience. Many a times, it’s just like a dream within a dream, scenes within scenes. But I’m truly glad, to have reached here and now, and to move forward again soon.

Luna & Venus

2011-10-17T07:43:00.001+08:00

He has lived to see better nights. The sky tonight is dark, and the moon, is presumably hidden by the dark nimbus clouds. What is left visible through the dark veil is only a little bright shining star, glimmering out of the abyss of darkness in the sky. Someone once told him, that star is actually Venus. It is also called the Evening Star.

He has lived long enough to know that there is far more graver situation that needs his immediate attention. Rushing upon the stairs, he strived towards his destination as fast as his legs could carry him, almost taking 2, even 3 steps at the time.

“Sorry, I’m late. But I brought you something spe-“

Whatever excuses he thought might be sufficient, there is no helping it. There she is, resting her arms onto the railing of the overhead bridge, overlooking the busy traffic in the double lane roads beneath. Somebody once said that you can read a lot from one’s body language. She looks like she could just crumble at any second.

What’s left in her that prevents a total collapse?

Walking up next to her, he folded his arm and lean onto the railing. The cold breeze brushes gently onto his face while he admires the long, red serpent-like creature that crawls and slithers slowly beneath him. Stretching his view as far as possible towards his left without turning his head, he sees two streams of tears flowing down her cheeks. As she remains still and oblivious to his arrival, he lets out a short sigh.

For the next minute, the only moving thing is red dragon below them.

“Why so quiet?”

“What’s wrong with silence? Silence, at times, could be very comforting.”

“Well, some ladies would prefer a more ‘aggressive’ comforting than this!”

Upon finishing her sentence, she turns her head towards him, and looks intently into his eyes. She smiles while awaiting for his reply.

He would give up the whole world for another look, and would not avert his eyes for anything that is less angelic than the sight that is currently beholding his eyes.

Sensing no reply, she turns 90 degrees towards him, with the left side of her body leaning on the railing. Her right hand, is placed behind her back, presumably holding onto the edge of her blouse, which is a little habit of hers.

“No wonder you’re still single to this day. When was it that you went out for a date?”

“I would like to believe that time is too precious to me at the moment. You don’t get to be young forever.”

“Well, you’re NOT really young anymore…”

Replacing both her arms onto the railing again, she reverts back to the position he found her in earlier. Suddenly, she stands up in a jerk, turns around and points a finger towards him, face bewildered, trying to express some kind of epiphany that has just descent upon her.

“I know…you like GUYS!”

“Wha…”

All that follows after is herself laughing uncontrollably, with her right hand covering over her mouth. As if a disease spreading around, he follows suit and laughed.

“Ah…this is so funny!”

Upon saying this she rubs her eyes. He knows, there is still sorrow hidden behind that mask. Behind every brave face, there’s always this sad clown.

“I must say, thank you very much. You are a good man, a good friend.”

Deep down his heart rejoiced and mourned this pleasant yet devastating statement.

“For? I’m not going to buy you supper.”

“We might as well go get some. And yes, you ARE going to buy me supper!”

“I thought you want to show me some gratitude?”

“Yes I am, that’s why I’m buying you drinks while you buy me supper, deal?”

“If my memory serves me well, I bought you lunch at China Town two days ago.”

“Race you to the Garden then. Loser pay for everything!”

Without waiting for his reply, she turns and runs down the stairs, leaving him behind, still leaning both arms on the railing.

He looks up to the starry sky, and realised that the full moon is now visible, no longer hidden by the dark clouds. But the Evening Star, Venus, is nowhere to be seen.

She would still need time, to mend the wounds and the pain. But she is strong. Strong enough to shine through those invisible barriers. With help of course, with sacrifice that Venus would gladly give up, for another sight, another view of the splendid, magnificent and beautiful full moon.

Could both the moon and the Evening Star co-exist in one beautiful night sky? Nobody knows. Only time could tell.

p.s. this post is in response to 安抚与自疗

安抚与自疗

2011-10-10T04:49:00.001+08:00

天色阴暗，乌云满天。只见约有五六颗星星逃避了乌云的遮盖，狂热的燃烧，发光。

他边跑边喘着气，爬上楼梯。

“对不起，我迟到了。但我带了…”还没说完，眼见她垂头丧气，双臂在栏杆上的捧着那憔悴的身子。天桥下的车子来来往往，一列列的红灯、金光犹如大江的急流。

看来雨过了但天未晴。

每当她在感情上、事业上、甚至家庭里碰钉子，都会一个人跑到这里。虽然如此，这可是他第一次是受约而来的。

叹了一口气，走到她右边，学她一模一样，俯身躺在栏杆上。偷偷地斜望了她一眼，只见脸颊上流着两条小溪，双眼目不转睛望着远方的乌云随风而飘。

双方都不说话，都不出声，双方都不想打破僵局。

“怎么来了，却不说话呢？”她终于开口，转向他微微苦笑。

“你约我来，难道就是要听我说话吗？”看她笑得太勉强，心里不禁难受，接着道：“安静也可以是个很好的安慰。”

“哈哈哈…女人的特权就是要男人安慰，说好听的呀！”

此刻一望她那诚恳的笑声、由心而发的笑容，顿时让他解去许多心中的不安。

见他只是望着自己微微笑，什么也不说，就道：“难怪你到现在都没女生喜欢。都那么大年纪了，女朋友一个都没。”

“这样不是很好吗？自由自在的，我行我素啊！要做什么就做什么，要去那里就去哪里，没人管我，只有我管人。”

“难道，你喜欢…”说到一半，不禁笑出声来。这时见他迷糊的样子，提起无名指指着他接着说：“你一定是喜欢男人！”说完了，又哈哈大笑。

听了这番话，顿时也不知要说什么，也就陪她一起大笑。

如果真的喜欢男人，我才不会在这陪着你了。

“啊…笑得出泪了！”此时心想，她一定又触动了那些伤心事，心中难过，不禁流泪。她右手擦一擦双眼，抹去眼泪。

“真得谢你呀。那么晚了，还约你到这样的地方消费时间，浪费光阴。”她把手搭在他肩膀上，又说：“真够朋友！”

不由自己的，他心中有如被刺一般。

“一起去吃宵夜吧！我好饿！照旧，我请喝，你请吃！”

“那么不公平！这不是占我便宜吗？”

“哪…先到的拿主意！”话还没说完，她转身就跑了。

看着她奔跑的背影，心中悲喜交加。转身又搭在栏杆上，望着依然繁忙的大道。心中有意成全她，特意怠慢，故意输给她。

他可真大方，宁可牺牲自己心深处的感觉，用来弥补她心灵的皮外伤。但真正的伤口，可得让时间慢慢医治。

此时有如海湾的新月逃出了乌云的遮盖，乌云却把那五六颗星星盖了。虽然她未能完全把心事放下，心情却是好多了。他不禁自问，这个夜晚，这个地方，这些对白，究竟是为了安抚她，还是为了自疗伤处？

Rites of Passage

2011-10-09T01:20:00.001+08:00

A day out in the park in such a weather is always nice, though she is very well aware that any given day could have any kind of weather, be it rain or shine, you can never tell. There is a children’s playground right next to the main path, while a football field is approximately a hundred yards away.

As she walks along the path that she had become so familiar with over the past year, it is hard for her to shut away those feelings, even in a day like this.

Regret, is what she feels. Or not, remorse might be a better word to describe her feeling. They had those moments, didn’t they? But nothing came to fruition. All the time she considers whether it would have been different if she did something different.

Yes, by many people’s standards, she is not…”conventional”. In cases like these, most of her friends would have jumped into it without a second thought. Young heads were governed by young minds of passion and instinct, as for her, rational and logic comes first.

Then as she walks past the children’s playground, she sees a boy of probably twelve or thirteen, staring rather intently towards the group of little kids enjoying themselves on the swings, sliding, shouting, cheering. She can see that the boy is struggling. But she knows that she could not help.

For wisdom comes with age. Maybe it came a little too early for her. With wisdom one begins to wield more caution and hesitancy. There was too much to consider. That is why, she often believes, things remains sparks where it should have been a disaster.

Could she ever return to the same point in the future, that she may try taking a different path? No one could tell for certain. The boy finally turn and start to walk away, seemingly decided to not join the kids at the playground. He stop right next to the football field, where a group of boys are playing 5-a-sides football.

It is not the time yet. She knows she does not fit anywhere just yet. There is a need to do a little of soul-searching, as the boy must now try to determine his own identity, rework it and build on it for the future. The regret, or remorse, would always remain, adding onto whatever amount of wisdom that is already available, to help decide what to do in the future.

What are you doing?

2011-09-26T02:32:00.001+08:00

It repeats, replays itself in his head like a never ending loop. It’s a question, that he keeps asking himself. It’s a statement of defeat he condemns onto himself.

He had long believed this is his destiny, and he put great faith in it and walked it diligently. He knows what he is to become, what he needs to do in the process, and what to expect by the end of his little walk.

But the problem is: He doesn’t know what he is doing.

Too often and too naively he take this blind faith for granted. Yes, he took the road bravely as any travellers of the wilderness. There is a destination, but there is no road. How should he travel? East? West? He realised that there is a luxury of methods to finish the race. But in what way should he achieve that?

But he knows it is way to late to turn back, journeyed too far to return. If there is no road, then he shall make one. The process determines the quality of the product. What he is or plans to do, decides the results of his labour.

So, what are you doing?

Limbo

2011-08-29T02:27:00.001+08:00

This can’t be true.

How did I end up here?

A look around the room revealed that it was no bigger than a normal primary school classroom. But it was way more crowded with people than any classrooms I’ve ever seen.

But…

Why am I here?

The last thing I remember was driving my 4x4 Land Rover Jeep back home, listening to the silly DJ’s on the radio bantering. The next thing I knew, I woke up in this room.

Surprisingly, nobody took notice of me, standing looking bewildered. Taking a second glance around the room, the faces now seemed familiar. I know them, but I can’t remember their names.

What is happening?

A sudden blinding light shot across the room, I had to involuntarily shut my eyes. I seem to remember something, but it’s still to vague, like mist in the dark night. I took a step back, and felt my spine hit something. Something wooden, perhaps. Turning myself around, I saw my perfectly stilled body lying within the fine cheddar coffin.

Another blinding light blinded my eyes. At that instances, I understood.

I’m dead.

Then came the loud wailing and crying so loud that I have to shut my ears which I didn’t seem to hear earlier on. As my ears adjusted to the sudden noise, it came to my sense.

I’m at a funeral parlour.

Now I remember who these people are. My family were leading the guests to their seats. Friends, some crying silently, some sobbing. There are also some whose faces remain indifferent. These people came to pay me my last respects.

This must be a bad dream. It has to be.

I felt so bad that I wish I could just wake up from this bad dream. I’m way too young to just leave things like that. I can’t possibly accept this. This is not my fate.

This shall not be my fate!!

I turned and ran, without knowing where I’m heading to. Suddenly all the bickering stopped. All the people are gone, only a lonely casket in front of me.

Where did all the people go?

The door swung open, and a guy walked into the room, carrying some flowers in his hands. Ignoring my presence, he walked straight past me onto the altar. He picked up the incense, lit it up, and stationed the flowers beautifully next to it.

Then I realised, I’ve gone straight through the walls into someone else’s room. The guy turned to leave, and just before he went through a door, I heard…

“No one’s here yet?”

“Nope, the other room’s pretty busy…”

“Yeah, I see you bring flowers again.”

“He might have been lonely in life. Nobody deserved to be lonely...”

I couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation as the closing door shut off any sound from the corridor. Walking up towards the altar, I see a middle-aged man lying in the coffin. He looked dandy, probably didn’t matter much since nobody came to see. There’s this sense of pity rising in me. We’re both dead, yet it is a contrasting sending off between him and me.

I realised that I may never been rich or famous, but I had friends that are loyal and kind, family that brings me warmth and love. I may fall short of other’s expectations, but in the end they all came.

I went back into my room, taking another glance at my loved ones. I remember everything now. The car I was driving must have been in an accident. Someone once said that you can measure how successful your life is by judging the quantity and quality of the people that attend your funeral. It seems to me know that is quite true. I realised, the ones that remained indifferent, unmoved, are my closest friends. It seems that they are already ready to let me go.

At this point, a tunnel of light opened up on the side. I couldn’t see the end of it, but I knew that I must walk through it.

How did I end up here?

It doesn’t matter now. Now I can move on, in peace and rest.

夕阳与黄昏

2011-08-13T06:42:00.001+08:00

不知不觉，太阳西下。

“喂？”

“是我…”。随后却是一片肃静。

心想着，又是这阵不自然的安静…恐怕，是最后一次了。 望着窗外的柳树，不禁叹了气。

我们到底怎么了？

“我决定了-我要离开。”对方憔悴的语气，把气氛弄得更为僵硬。

隐隐约约地，他的答复早就在预料当中。却也知道，这答复是经过一段的思考、体谅和琢磨换来的一个回应。

不知该说些什么，也就什么也不说。此时又是一片安宁。

斗嘴，也斗过了。架子，也摆了很多遍。人人常说，情侣不打不相识。想回来真有点懊悔。但饭已成粥，却也难免的。

“那…我祝你…一路顺风。”听见自己的声音，吓了一跳。这战战兢兢，吞吞吐吐的声音竟是自己的？

低头一望，就看见房间里夕阳照着自己身体的影子。很羡慕这没有表情，没有情绪的形象。他是否也这样？

“我要挂了，你多保重。”不知不觉，不禁地流泪了，脸颊湿了。

“对不起…”他没等回复，就把线挂了。一切都了断了，也算是一了百了。

挂了电话，回身倒在床上。窗外看见大半太阳被山脉遮住。空中金色的云彩也逐渐被天色吞没。

满脸眼泪流不停，嘴里带着苦笑，又叹了一口气。

只可惜，太近黄昏了…

Once Passed, Gone Forever…

2011-07-13T01:52:00.001+08:00

“Why are you pulling over?” Caleb asked.

“I need a drink”, Adam droved into the almost empty parking lot of the little pub by the road. Adam greeted the bar lady and the cute waitress that was cleaning a table, and chose a table right next to the corner. The old jazz pianist was playing the piano. Caleb ordered a tanker of beer for Adam, another cup of Coke Malibu for himself. I’ll need the extra kick, he thought.

Before Caleb sat himself down, Adam had already downed nearly half of his beer, then said,“Still can’t right believe it, Jean and Desmond getting married huh?”

Caleb appeared to have not heard Adam, took a little sip of his drink, and returned it onto the table. Adam was already taking the last gulp of his beer.

“I’m just glad for them.”

“Really?”

Stunned, Caleb looked up and saw Adam starring right into him. His cheeks were already red, face like a ripe tomato. Just like usual, casual and playful on the outside, yet a sharp and bright mind on the inside. Drinks a lot, but never drunk.

“I’m happy that she’s happy”

“You look far from happy to me”

“You’re drank too much”

“But never drunk”

Caleb knew Adam’s excuse to get a drink is for Caleb to loosen up and relax. He knew this was coming when Adam pulled over. Adam was sensitive enough to know that the night had been a long and tough for him.

“There’s nothing to be done; she’s happy. I’d have done something if she’s not”

“Ah…correction: You should have done something back then. When she was depressed and alone”, Adam ordered another tanker from the cute waitress.

“What do you want from me? I was going away. Away for a very long time. Too long, too far. It’ll never work.” Agitated, Caleb finished his drink in one take, and slammed his cup on the surface table. It was loud, but the jazz pianist playing on the side covered the noise. The bar lady and the waitress didn’t seem to hear the noise.

“That’s more like it. If you feel that much for her, why not give it one last try? I still stick by what I said. You never know till you tried.”

Then there was a long pause between them. Adam, probably coming to his senses, drank his second serving slowly, sip by sip. He would still have to drive them both home safely. Caleb, on the other hand, was starring through the mirror into the dark. Their silence was interceded by the graceful and optimistic jazz music.

Old in body, young in heart huh?

“Give it another try, would you?” Finishing his drink, Adam went up to the bar lady and paid their tabs. He tipped the cute waitress handsomely, before walking himself out to the car.

A smile cracked on Caleb’s face. Once again he took up his cup to finish his drink, only to realise that he had already finished it in his fury earlier. Now he set his cup gently on the table, bided the bar lady, cute waitress and the old jazz pianist goodnight.

At the door he felt the cold breeze against his burning cheeks, drenched a little by his tears. He knew, he passed his chance a long time ago.

Some things, once passed, is gone forever.

Q: Sending offs??

2011-06-20T08:16:00.001+08:00

There are reasons why people dislike “send-offs”. Unlike “goodbyes”, its usually more negative. If you put the farewells in order, the highest, the most positive one would be “See you again!!”. Then followed by “Goodbyes”. The worst would be seeing your friends off.

It’s not the parting that marks it a sad and depressing occasion. In fact, it may even be a positive occasion, especially when you’re seeing off somebody-you-don’t-really-like-but-don’t-have-a-choice-of-not-sending-him/her-off. My point is, you can feel either happy and sad while sending someone away or even both at the same time.

But there’s always these at the end of every sending off. You’ll wonder: why aren’t you on that cab, train, ship, or plane. What in the world are you sending people off repeatedly replays itself like a broken projector in your mind. You thought you had come to terms long ago that you are never going to get on that cab/train/ship/plane.

I can tell you, despite all those feeling, nothing would top this: the feeling of being left behind. In its strictest sense, you are being left out. You’re omitted from embarking the same journey your friends are taking. You’re one of the few, maybe even the only one, to remain stagnant at where you are.

That’s why people would rather not meet, for every meeting ends with separation. I would rather avoid “send-offs”, so that I’m spared this melancholic, self-denial, confession of a person in solitude, feeling left behind.

But then again, would there be “send-offs” without anybody being left behind?

Money Talk $$$$

2011-06-01T04:43:00.001+08:00

Now I know there has been a lot of hype surrounding the “rental” issue. Now here's my thoughts. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. If you’re unreasonably unable to accept criticism, or unable to process my personal yet I think is legitimate reasoning, or simply because you can’t stand me as a person, PLEASE DO NOT READ.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Now friends,

The Situation: Escalating Rents, Reduced Services

Rumours has it that its now up to 400 Pounds!! Hell yeah!! Cleaners no longer work on our god damn ever so dirty kitchen!! What do they work on anyway??!! All I see them doing (hear to be exact) is to vacuum the house then go outside having bedside-girl-talk with fellow cleaners about the latest X-Factor…Now I don’t remember paying that amount of money for them to sweet talk around the village….But well I must say, there are times where you hear spicy stuffs like This is your job and I had to cover your ass etc. Yeah, these cleaners DO know how to quarrel.

Well then, what’s the real problem??

Higher Rent means Lesser $$$

Now this is not rocket science; it doesn’t take the Bank Negara experts to figure that out. Student life is the peak of passion, passion for things and enjoyment. Let’s take a peek at my wish list:

1. I wanna own a Xbox, or at least a game console…

2. I wanna own a brand new laptop, for my assignments and games…

3. I wanna get a brand new Nike football boots…

4. I wanna go home for the summer!! It’ll be good if I can get a de- tour around Europe before heading back to the M’sian sun…

How on earth am I suppose to own all these stuffs (or achieve them for point 4) if I gotta pay more rent??!?!! No please Marjon, I need a happy young adult life since I’m deprived of a happy spoilt childhood.

As you can see, a student life can be depressing, demotivating, and dangerous. Dangerous?? Why??

This is why:

The Conspiracy Theory

You know how people can come up with crazy ideas/theories/hypothesis that there’s a conspiracy planned against them?? If you think you are different from the guy/girl sitting next to you, think again. PEOPLE ARE PARANOID. We keep thinking how people judge us, how they scheme to bring us down, to make us feel bad.

Back to the topic, there is a theory speculating that more locals are moving out the village, the halls, so to cover the high maintenance costs, ours are increased. You know how Malaysians always think that other people think Malaysians are like cash cows?? They like to think it that way; it makes them feel….what’s the right word?? IMPORTANT. Well yeah, the whole world MUST conspire against you if you’re important.

Okay..it’s kinda long-winded and tiring to read all this shit. So let’s take a break before we look at the arguments.

So?? What’s your point, Genius??

There are two different stands on this matter. Most people (cause I don’t wanna make sweeping statements) take it as a Financial Tsunami. Why do I call it a Tsunami?? It all started with a deep sea quake, which people on land barely feel. Well, in fact they may be aware of it first time, but they’ll think, Ah, it’s nothing. The tidal wave then comes in. You don’t quite see it, because it gradually builds up.Then when it really gets near, say the shore, you’ll pee in your pants.

Likewise, nobody really gives it a damn in the first place. Then when one starts to talk about it, another gets hooked up. Like how hysteria spreads. A girl sees another cries or wail suddenly, they can’t resist the urge to get the same attention. It is INFECTIOUS. It spreads until nobody, literally nobody do not speak about it. It becomes such a grave matter that people resort to this ultimate ultimatum line: We need to talk. And there was a talk. It sound almost like God saying Let there be light.

You know nothing good comes from it if someone says that to you…

The other stand, which is my stand, is not entire opposite, but certainly different. Let me do it in point form, easier on the mind:

1. Higher rents = Less money. Which means less numbers on my bank account. But why Marjon didn’t provide an official statement???!!! And shit, I got a really really tight window to get a new place..Ridiculous.

2. Reduced service = I don’t see that much of them for me to like them. It’s okay if they’re there, if not, its not too big a problem.

3. Conspiracy Theory = I just think it’s childish. I’m not that full of myself thinking that people would wanna take advantage of me. I’m just a poor government sponsored student studying in a backwater Plymouth. If I’m not, I won’t be here.

4. Financial Tsunami. To be frank, I’m totally not worried about it at all. I can see a few outcomes of this matter. Either the KPM would be generous enough to give us an increment in our allowances (which I highly doubt), or Marjon would come to an agreement with the Ministry to sort things out. My point is, I don’t really carry much weight. Even if there’s 99 of me’s.

Let me just summarize my stand: I’m grateful for everything I have. (ring a bell, people??) Strictly speaking the chances of me to die on my travels to Europe or back to Malaysia is higher than my odds of dying of starvation, or being homeless. Yeah, yeah, our families poured millions of ringgit of taxes, but I would like to think that I’m always on the receiving end of abundant goodness which many could never have experience. I would like to remember that I’m far far more fortunate than those poor Plymouthians sleeping in the streets, the jobless hoping for food from the Salvation Army.

Not just Plymouth, apparently the whole world is going DOWN. It’s a economical ARMAGGEDON. Why do you think the cleaners service is reduced?? Why no more free tissues or free washed clean linens? You can do the math. People are getting lay off every single day.

Dear friends, before you even think that the rise in house rent is unfair, look at the streets. And don’t you dare yell at those officers that is just trying to do their best in their job. They deserve more than a speculation of your brilliant conspiracy theory you so wisely conceived. We have been blessed, don’t give God a reason to stop doing that.

Please, grow up.

p.s. Let me hear it from you!!

The heart & the arms

2011-05-23T04:59:00.001+08:00

Alas, although you’re him whose in my heart, I’m not her who is in your arms.

It is the last time she’ll see his back. As often as she had done so for the past 9 months, staring into the infinite suction of hope and wonder, it is time that they be parted.

She is so close to him that she hears him breathing the gentle sea breeze. There is some sunlight, but not enough to provide sufficient warmth to her; she wraps her arms around her.

She wonders, every time at the sight of him, that what would have become of them if she had come clean with him. But even if she had the courage, would that change anything?

There are so many If only’s, If only that’ll never be. Looking at his back from afar, thinking, If only you knew how I felt about you.

It is just like the weather, a raging storm contained in the dark clouds, awaiting the opportunity to burst free. But her feelings must never obtain freedom.

She then hears him say, “Nine months in a flash, and we’ll be home.” A small fissure-like smile appear on the face of the girl warmly tucked in his arms.

She turns around, and with her heavy footsteps, gradually moving away. He did not notice her departure.

Platform “L1F3”

2011-04-23T06:18:00.001+08:00

She continued to sit there, even after he had long left, watching the trains speeding past her. How long has it been, she couldn’t remember. All she does, is the fleeting sharp prod she felt in her heart when he bid farewell.

How many times have he said goodbye? Too many times, too often that she took them for granted. This time, there’s no more next time. It was his last farewell to her.

‘This time is for real; I’m leaving for good,’ he said with a firm, determined expression, before adding, ‘I’m going after her’.

There was then an awkward paused, both of them being impervious towards the crowd that were walking past them, like river rocks amidst the river flow.

‘Why won’t you stay?’ said she while hugging both her arms. Droplets of tears started to drench her slightly crumpled polka dotted sleeves. ‘You know how I...’

‘…I must go,’ he interjected, trying to avoid her teary eyes by looking at the departure board. After another period of uncomfortable silence, he said, ‘It is time.” Out of his pocket, he produced a piece of paper, folded into two, and gave it to her.

Without another word, he turned to board the train, the train that would lead to his happiness. But to her, it is a journey that would take hers away from her, one that would bring grieve unto her.

Then he paused in his steps, before uttering, ‘Thank you.’ It was almost inaudible, drowned by all the noise and din of the railway station. But she caught every single word, every single intonation, and the mixture of gratitude and sorry in his short yet cruel bidding.

She then watched him blended among the crowd through her watery eyes, trying not to blink at all, so as not to lose sight of him. But what must go would go. She wiped her face while she unfolded the note, and just as a ray of light emerged from the cloudy sky, she smiled.

“Life’s like a platform; people come and go. Some people wait, some people go. One day you would find what you are waiting for, and go after it, just as how I’ve waited, hence now, I must go.”

What shall he do??

2011-04-05T10:42:00.001+08:00

There is this unspeakable fear, a dreadful feeling that remained stuck in some corner of his heart. You won’t get hurt if you don’t hope for it, they say. He used to think it was silly, but now it start to make sense to him, such philosophical words.

She always have been on his mind, as a friend. Although he hopes that there would be more than just friendship, it seems unlikely in the circumstances he’s in. But he longed for her presence, be it little messages on Twitter or pokes on Facebook, phone calls across the continent or the far distant memories of the little coffee shop they sat and talked all day together.

Probably it was work, he would like to think, that she gradually drifted away. More and more phone calls went unanswered, messages un-replied. To some extend he began to think that he was probably being a nuisance. Or maybe her boyfriend felt it was too improper, improper to adhere to his desire for her affection and attention.

He stopped suddenly, no more attempts to communicate with her. Why not leave with some dignity intact than to strive for a lost cause? He chose pride over friendship, as well as potential romantic interest. Over time it seems that he had finally got over her. Making new friends, meeting new people, trying new and different things.

I shouldn’t have done it. Just out of curiosity, he poked her on Facebook. To see if she does it in return. He wasn’t even really hoping, but she did poke him in return. Now I’m in a dilemma. They chatted and reconnected their abandoned friendship on that fine afternoon, catching up to each other’s tale of the lost 6 months. She apologized that she was busy for a moment of time, and was sorry for not sparing much time for him. She promised that they will properly speak to one another when both of them were available.

Available? When is considered “available”? He used to call her once every fortnight, sometimes once a week. If it is her, he could call her everyday if she likes it. She didn’t realise that her promise brought hope to him, and also equally fatal dose of disappointment. He wonders if he could take another rejection again. What if she suddenly breaks off again after they re-established their relationship? What if she finds him too irritating?

Should I? Should I not? This is killing him. It is almost like drugs. It corrodes you within, but you need it to keep you going, to keep you feeling like you’re actually living. So curiosity DOES kill the cat. There is only himself to blame, for pushing that self-destruct “poke” Facebook button.

What shall he do??

You’re Not Listening Yet.

2011-04-04T06:38:00.001+08:00

I would not brag that I know it all, seen it all, heard it all. For always and often, pride comes before you fall. I don’t claim to understand how my fellow Muslim friends feel, or understand whenever they see their Holy Scripture being threaten, or being derogated in any ways. But I know that not in my lifetime I wish to see the Holy Bible is being molested in any method thinkable.

People are different. Hence beliefs and faith are different. How are we, and who are we to coerce others to follow what we believe in?? If you feel justified believing in what you believe in, don’t others deserve the same respect for their judgement??

I do understand, that authenticity is highly valued, especially in the world today, where the fake is as real as reality itself. Mind you, I held fast to my belief that my God is the one true god. But that doesn’t leave my fellow friends’ God lesser than mine. To them, their God is as holy as my God to me. Being disrespectful to their God, is a testament of my weak faith towards mine.

You can burn all the Korans you like. You can prosecute all the unbelievers you like. You can say anything you like. You can incur all kinds of propaganda for all you like. If there’s anything worth learning from history, the more you burn, the more it spreads. Nazis burnt the bible, yet it remains the most printed book on earth.

It was written, Love your enemies. I presume from my lesser wisdom that it includes accepting what others are for just who they are, doing onto them what you wish them to do for you. Certainly, I don’t want them to burnt my Holy Scripture!!

Shame on you, if you believe that’s your calling, If you believe that is what God calls you to do. You’re not really listening yet.

Motivation…

2011-03-17T02:50:00.001+08:00

Right now I need a little push,

an urge to get me off my seat.

For I have hid too long behind the bush,

of comfort, fun and play.

I need that desire to make the leap,

to reach that glorious golden heap.

But right now I’m stuck where I stood,

no where near that passionate mood.

If only I can heave myself,

to work, to toil, to break this shell,

and bask my face under the shine,

What could I not make mine?

Though knowing and doing are two good friends,

I am torn stuck somewhere between.

But just as much as rivalry prevents,

I know I must soon make a stand.

For the flow of time awaits no man,

it is a crime to waste a second.

What I need now is a gentle hush,

but who would be the one to push?

l.o.v.e & Sacrifice

2011-03-16T11:24:00.001+08:00

The doctors aren’t too positive about her condition. She barely survived the gruelling 8 hour emergency surgery. Nobody is hopeful for anything now. She’s at the verge of life and death.

After all, it doesn’t take a specialist with a long list of doctorates to understand how serious her ailment is. She suffered third degree burns over 70% of her body. It is a miracle that she is still fighting, struggling with her strong will to live. Too bad that her body doesn’t match her strength; she is fading away by the second.

Everybody is sad, depressed for her. What she did was really brave. But Grandma is taking is very badly. She fainted when the doctor announced the degree of her condition to the family. She thinks that it is all her fault.

“Had I been more careful, this would not have happened”, Grandma lamented. “Had I been more careful…It should be me in there…”

“No one blames you that this…come on,” her middle-age son takes her by the arm, gently put her onto the seat. “It can’t be helped.”

“Of course it can!! She didn’t have to return…not for me, on top of everything!!” Grandma is starting to lose control again, arms covering her head, swinging wildly on her seat.

Fearing that Grandma might just faint and fall, he swiftly took hold of her. He tries not to be forceful, because he understands her need to vent her pent up guilt. He remain quiet. His wife, visibly shaken, sobs quietly a few seats next to her.

“She needs that too,” he thinks, and he is going to give her that.

The fire department couldn’t determine the cause of that tragedy yet, amidst all the rubble. Nothing was left, everything charred into ashes. And now, he is losing his previous daughter to her act of chivalry. But he understood her. She has been a strong, kind and brave girl. It is hard and would take a long time to accept this loss, but he respected her decision to risk her life for their beloved Grandma.

Holding his daughter’s heavily bandaged hand in his, silent sobs hidden deep inside, he sits next to her. It seems that she redeemed her Grandma’s fading life with her life of vigour and youth. If he really tried, he could have stopped her, withheld her back. He should have gone in her stead.

She opens her eyes, now visible as small shiny marbles through her heavily bandaged face. Her eyes tell him that she wants to say something, but she is too weak. He attempts a smile, interjected by little sobs of his. Droplets fall onto her bandages. At that moment, he feels her hand tightens her grip, a sudden outburst of strength from her failing body.

Then there is this long flat tone of the ECG machine attached to her. Her pulse stops beating, and a nurse arrived almost immediately trying to restore life in her. Several doctors and nurses come to her aid, trying very hard. He is hounded out of the room, as the medical experts tries to revive her.

It will be a terrible loss, for anybody who love her, he thinks, to lose a person of her quality, but it is a loss that she readily accepted, a price she readily pay. The least he could do for her who sacrificed all, in honour of her memory, and her brave, determined soul, is to let her go.

The doctors and nurses then exit the room several moments later. She is proclaimed dead. Grandma wails as if she’s going into a fit. The nurses have to administer her sedatives to keep her calm. One life has ended, to prolong another.

One lays it down, that another may pick it up again, and live.

Attachments…

2011-02-11T03:41:00.001+08:00

“Attachments!!”

“What’s with them?” his friend asked. His eyes were very much focused onto the screen, fingers tapping the buttons in rapid fire.

“I might not wanna get so…emotionally attached anymore,” his tone was flat, with hints of absent-mindedness. He was also concentrating on the screen.

It is a newly released console game. It was rated highly for its state-of-the-art graphics and supposingly tantalising gameplay. They decided that they must not missed this new game. So they chose a day to hang out together and try it out. To see how good the game is.

So they did.

“Well, you’re bound to interact with people or some sort. You can’t escape from them…Wow!!” His friend was interrupted by his own dramatic shout. He had just lost a live.

Throwing the controller aside, he continued, “I mean, it’s unavoidable”. He now had to wait for his avatar to re-spawn. He continued to observe the screen, eyes on the re-spawn countdown timer. Every lost second caused him to itch more and more; he can’t wait to get started again.

“It’s just that being attached to people, emotionally, can be frustrating. Friends, I mean,” his friend was wearing a suspicious look. “Look, we all lead different life, each to our own aspirations, needs, and to fulfil our own purposes…DAMN!!”

Now it was his turn to be ejected from the game momentarily. He would also have to wait to re-spawn.

“Ha, just about time! I was hoping that we could team up and kick his ass again! Looks like the HERO’s gotta save the day,” taking up the controller, threw a smirk, his friend continued the onslaught, trying to take out as much enemy as possible before his partner returns.

“Even between you and I, though sharing so much in common, we don’t do things together all the time.Sometimes I want to do things together, but my friends won’t necessarily be there for me. Then I’ll get upset about all this. Attachments, disappointments.”

“What do you mean? Hey, you’re back in the game,” his friend tossed the controller towards him, continued the game saying,”You mean you don’t wanna hang out together anymore?”

“No, I’m just saying that people need their own spaces. And I don’t wanna always be the bad guy who trespass onto that space.”

“Did I do or say something that offended you?”

“No dumbass!! Well, apart from the fact that you’re in the lead now.”

At that moment, several seconds of genuine laughter erupted, taking away most of the tense, gloomy atmosphere in the room.

“So you don’t wanna expect too much from people huh??”

“Ha!! You’re dead again. Exactly,” taking up the baton from his unfortunate friend, he resumed his mission. His friend lied on his back, face sulking.

He continued, “The lower the expectations, the less harder you fall. I love being with my friends, but sometimes they just don’t need me to be there. I don’t want to ruin what’s there between us by being overly demanding. Crap!! This game is a waste of money!!”

The war zone image in the interface vanished. Instead, the words “GAME OVER” flashed on the screen, with images of blood and gore decorating it.

“You shouldn’t have hoped for too much…” His friend gave a sarcastic laugh. He gave no reply.

Throwing himself back onto the sofa, he stared through the glass roof into the starless night, sighing,

“You wouldn’t fall if you won’t climb. You won’t lost any if you never had them.”

“Then you are as good as dead,” he interjected.

“I probably am, the way things are now.”

Projected Image of Confession…

2011-02-08T07:35:00.001+08:00

“Can we talk?”

They find this request alarming, and she felt something bad approaching. She takes a look at her friend, asking whether she could be excused and adhere to his bemusing request.

Before she could get any reply from her friend, he interjects again.

“You too, if you may. This concerns you too.”

Both their eyes reveal some sort of confusion that they cannot comprehend just yet. The fear of the approaching unknown entity begins to engulf them. They steal another glance at one another, and follows him out to the fields, where he is walking towards without turning back.

If only he could spare them the suspense, they would have enjoyed the day. It is sunny. Occasionally shades appear across the fields as the swift eastern wind blows the clouds westward. Birds are chipping around; a group of 3 little kids, probably not older than seven, running after one another, presumably playing hide-and-seek.

Why this queer feeling, she thinks. The playing children seems to remind her of something, something precious, but she couldn’t remember exactly what. Then she realises, he has stopped several feet in front of her, under the withered Willow tree. A few new shoots is growing out from one of the branches.

His expressions indicates that he is struggling for words too. Except that he appears to be torn apart for some reason, reasons that is still vague to them. She looks to her friend; they know something is amiss.

“We need to talk.”

Silence.

“I need to know something. About us.”

There is no answer. But instantly he could see that any colour that is on their faces begins to fade. How should I proceed from here, he thinks. But he is mercifully interrupted.

“It was in the past. Why mention it again?”

“I need to know for sure.”

“Can’t you just let go?” She retorts swiftly, then turns herself around, deciding not to face him.

“You have not let go, as far as I can tell.”

“I have.”

“No you don’t. You knew instantly and instinctively what’s this all about. And you,” turning to his right to face her friend, “you know what’s this about too.”

Silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

If there were any moment that she wished to be invisible, this is the moment. She could not muster a word, then buries her face among her hands. She starts to cry.

“Can’t you see that it’s eating her up too?” Her friend speaks for the first time, trying to defend her, so fragile and delicate. She stands between him and her, as if trying to shield her friend from this aggressive, seemingly hurtful proceeding.

“So has it been easier for me? You, you know it all. But you did not defend me.”

Immediately her face shows it all. A blend of twisted agony and guilt appears on her face.

He feels enlightened, surprisingly. After all these years, bearing a shame, a shame that is not his. Bearing the mark of an offender, an act committed in the name of friendship and love, paying for a crime wrongly pronounced onto him. But this is still far from over.

He is happy, some part of him, knowing that his instincts are true. For a certain period of time he began to doubt his own judgement, and blames himself for what has happened. Now he knows, the mistake is not his.

But he feels disappointed too. That the truth is not totally owned up to him. That her friend did not defend him, though knowing what really happened. That she, she herself never admitted her mistakes.

Then it appears to him that one of the children is crying loudly. He does not know why. They might have been fighting over some feeble things. A child throws a punch at the other. As the punch landed perfectly onto the child’s cheek, he falls backwards. How ironic, he thinks, this is just child’s play.

But it takes a lot of courage to do what he intends to do. He wants revenge, but knows that vengeance is not his. He knows he must forgive, but God, he thinks, I didn’t expect it to be this hard. He can no longer hold his tears back; it flows like a gentle stream downwards his face. He makes no effort to wipe them as the wind gently dries his skin.

He turns around and takes a piercing look at them. She is hugging her arms, while her friend is holding her hands across her mouth. Neither says anything. At that moment, nothing matters anymore. It is, finally over. He walks past them in the middle, as how he once walked into them. The overdue bond has been broken. There is nothing left between them. He stops just about a earshot away, saying “I forgive you, both. And I’m sorry too”, he walks away after uttering these words silently.

As he walks away, she drops herself onto her knees, sobbing loudly. The only words audible among her cries are “sorry, sorry.” As for her friend, she is staring blankly onto the horizon. At one point she turns and look at him, thinking that she caught him saying something, though unsure of it.

The children have stopped playing their game. One is walking out of sight, one hand caressing his injured cheek, visions of him gradually obscured by the thick hedge. The other two are standing rigidly, as they observe their friend walks away.

Do you know?

2011-02-07T08:13:00.001+08:00

“Do you know?”

“Know what?”

Would you feel that intense longing that I feel for you? If I think about you hard enough, would you know? If I dream about you in the night, would you, half a globe apart, think of me too?

If I close my eyes, while walking in town, or eating, sitting, standing, listening to the melodramatic Chinese pops, would you stand before me? If I were to sing a song now, bid the winds to deliver them to you, would you be able to listen to the whispers of my heart?

“Know if you know.”

What if I look at your picture, would you feel it if I stare hard enough into your motionless eyes? Or when my fingers caress your face, could you feel its warmth? If I think of you hard enough, would you heed my call?

Or is it because at the moment you think of me, that I would think of you? Could it be that when you say your prayers, and pray for me, that I come to think of you? Or is it that when you walk, stand, eat, sit or listening to songs that remind you of me, that I could feel it?

“I don’t know if you won’t tell me properly.”

“You’ll know if you know.”

Lunch Break…

2011-02-04T08:06:00.001+08:00

“Do you know, or have any idea, of when is the loneliest moment one could have?”

It has been almost a month since she last seen him. They are the best of friends, having known each other since high school. But lately, each of them have been tied down by their respective commitments. She has been working hard to justify her employer’s faith in promoting her to become the department leader. As for him, rumours has it that he has recently acquired a new girl friend.

“What?? After so long the first thing you ask is this??” He could barely supress his chuckle, then runs his palm across his face, hiding his laughter with his head thrown backwards.

She gives no reply but a smile on her face, still focusing on him, as if trying to read his mind.

He then goes on to unwrap his lunch: a chicken sandwich. He takes out the first slice, pauses, then say, “Probably…during the night? I mean, when it’s all quiet and silent. Sometimes I would just think of crazy stuffs. Can’t help it…”

She can't follow what comes next as his chewing impedes his speech. She takes a gulp of her coffee, now looking towards the open sea. The sea breeze masks the scorching heat of the summer sun. This mixture of hot and cold blends perfectly, too perfect for anything or anybody, she thinks.

He probably won’t understand how she feels at the moment. She thought the same , that the loneliest time of the day is when she’s in her bed, quiet and solemn. It is then thoughts about him comes to life, thoughts she tries so hard to supress by her sheer determination and commitment towards her career.

But she realises, it isn’t that simple.

He is now stuffing the second slice of sandwich into his mouth, but his eyes are focused onto the interface of his mobile. It must be her message, she assumes, nobody could make him work when he is taking a rest. Suddenly she is jealous of her; jealous that she could capture his heart to that extent.

Sensing no reply from her, he prompts, “So when’s the loneliest time of the day?” He looks into her eyes, but fingers still firmly grasping his phone. She looks at his hands, those strong hands she wished she could put hers into.

She looks up, wanting to answer him. But he is now busy with his mobile again. How would he understand, she thinks, one in his shoes would never know. The fact that a girl likes a man so much that she’s willing to spend all her time with him, if possible. The fact that a girl is so thrill to have the boy she likes to share lunch with. The fact that despite having his body sitting next to her on a bench facing the sea, blessed with blue skies and cool breeze, yet his mind, is miles away with a different girl that he loves.

She can’t bear to break his concentration; his face glows and cherishes the tiny little messenger in his hands with great affection. She feels her hands tremble, the coffee in her hands almost dropped. Immediately she holds it with both hands.

“It is now”, she says very silently, yet wishing him to hear her, “now is the loneliest time of the day.”

Monologue…

2011-01-31T02:16:00.001+08:00

“You don’t belong with them.”

Silence.

“You don’t belong with her.”

“Now, that’s rather unfair to say that.”

“Am I?”

It must have past midnight, for it is very quiet. To him, such quietness is a cruelty. It is during these time of the day, or one should say night, the ignored thoughts returns to haunt his sleepless mind.

“You come from a different world, of a different upbringing.”

“Not entirely, we share a lot in common. In tongue and culture.”

“That is what you believe and what you want to believe. You belong to those of your own kind.”

Silence. Then there comes several uncomfortable sound of him shifting his body to the other side, facing the wall. In times like these, he thinks, the wall is a better listener, if not a better advisor.

“You know it, you have always known that. It’s just you living in self-denial. Not willing to take it as it is. I’m telling you, there’s no hope.”

“So much for the talk about transcending culture and time.”

“You’re forgetting the miles in between.”

“What’s your point?” He sits up abruptly, it seems that lying down does not help quelling the argument.

“I’m just saying, even if you manage to achieve what you want, distance is still going to be an issue. You know it. You don’t have faith in that, in yourself.”

“You’ll never know for sure!” Upon saying this, he lies back onto his side, choosing again to face the cold wall, as if to protest, to make himself believe all that is said is not true.

Silence.

Soon all there is are just crickets singing lullabies, putting him into a deep dreamless sleep.

Her absence…

2011-01-28T09:57:00.001+08:00

“Her name hints upon the strength of a warrior, a guardian. I know she is. It is a beautiful name, and magical, as if it craves itself onto my heart”. Upon finishing that sentence, the backyard where they were sitting in the mid-autumn night fall back into silence, a sweet length of quietness.

“Is that so?” The response was swift and brisk.

“It’s a pity you have not met her. You would have liked her too, I’m sure of it.” A gentle breeze was rushing through the valley, brushing against the small country side house on the east. It was refreshing to just sit there and look out into the clear dark skies. I suppose I could count the stars, he thinks.

“What won’t I give to have her here? Just sitting around, no need for talk as I know what she thinks as she would to mine.” He took up the orchid petal that was on the floor, hold it close to his face and took a deep breath, as if trying to take in as much fragrance as the petal could offer.

Silence was the response.

“Love’s just like these little flowers, don’t you think? At first sight it’s looks all the same, just a common flower. But one day you look out into your garden, all that catches you eye is this one flower. The one that stood out from the rest. Then you realise, you couldn’t have love it more than anything else.”

It was all quiet except the rushing gust.

“Soon you feel attached to it. You care for it, longing to spend time with it. You take pride in its growth.” He cracked a smile at the edge of his lips, which became a soft laughter. “But death awaits after its peak, in beauty and stature. Before you know it, life is at the end.”

Another long pause followed, but he broke the silence for the first time. “But love, in all similarity to it, is no flower. I would be at peace to think that love endures more than just life. She lives again, whenever you see this plant, not because it reminds you of her, but that she still lives in you.”

“You’re uncharacteristically talkative this time. It’s rather unlike you.”

“So do you.”

He smiled in response to that witty reply. As the season died into a colder night, they sat quietly once more, was quiet again, each to his own thought.

Thoughts of My Shaken Jealousy

2011-01-09T10:59:00.001+08:00

At first thought,

I stared into the page, frozen in shock.

How could this be, how can it happen?

Is that a mock??

At the next thought,

I realised, how hard it must have been.

What a battle it was;

she cannot lose but only win.

At my final thought,

I say to myself, “What a lucky girl she’s been!!”.

To have come this far, bracing herself and take the leap.

Yet to know whether there’s harvest to reap.

I realised, I am jealous too:

Just how much I would give,

Just how much I would leave,

for that one chance, for that one dance.

To celebrate your years dying in to a brand new age

2010-12-21T20:40:00.001+08:00

Here I am sitting,

here with fellow friends of mine…

We cook, we drink and also dine…

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

I find myself among great men and women…

Of those who had travelled far and long…

We gambled a little, laughter as wage,

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

Long into the night we ate, drink and play,

taking pictures, having fun without delay…

Making merry, engraving memories,

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

“David!”, one exclaimed, “you’ve lost your bet!”

“Aye,aye” I replied, “my fellow good mate”…

For every lost bet, for every giggled gained,

to celebrate your years dying into a brand new age.

Alas all good time must come to end…

Great meal, great time, great friends…

Till then, when we meet again,

to celebrate others’ years dying into a brand new age.

on life…

2010-12-07T07:49:00.001+08:00

I wonder why things I rendered passed,

would return to haunt me fast.

I don’t understand why the things i want,

are often the things out of hand.

Yet I wonder, can broken pieces still be mend?

if, disfigured face returned its glowing tan?

I wonder if a man fell enough,

that he would cease the finish the run?

I would understand if he cries in silenced muff,

forcing himself to believe: There’s nothing more he want.

But if tomorrow would never come,

This may all be a bad bad punt.

Sad it may be, but this is why life’s fun.

Indifference

2010-11-01T06:48:00.001+08:00

Which is worse? An unrequited love or a forbidden one? Which pain is greater, knowing that she loves you but you two cannot be together, or knowing well you love her, but she does not? In my own naivety and inexperience I could only possibly offer you part of the answer.

Some say “better love (or loved) than never”. Some say “better not loved (or love) ever”. Most of us do know that love brings both pain and joy, to an extend that one cannot stand without the other; these two are two different sides of the same coin.

But even in a coin toss, it is rather quizzical to always getting heads, or tails to some. Even the odds are against my odds. What kind of luck is this? Or fate, to some people. Often I attribute things that I desire yet fail to acquire as simply, “not meant to be”. This seems to be a perfect justification to my failures, or simply, an easy escape from these unhappy turns of event.

Which is worse? To leave a fruitless ponder or enter a hopeful dream? For now, both are the same, both are despairing, to me.

song and words

2010-10-29T19:51:00.002+08:00

I envy them. I wish I have their gift. The gift to present oneself sincerely and true. The blessing to tell, to illustrate things hidden within not by the over-emphasized sense of sight. If the eye is the window to the heart, the ear must be the gateway to the soul. If a picture says a thousand words, a song could sing a thousand tales.

Not everybody is given the privilege to present themselves in such a way. Certainly not to those who rely heavily on sight or other senses other than the hearing. The society we know today value paintings, writings more than anything else. To some extent, I agree, words and pictures have their own way of touching people’s heart. But to me nothing comes close than music; one that sings nothing but what is felt, what is believe by he who wields it.

I would say I have only half that gift. Or, I’m blessed, but not quite. Sometimes I resent it, why God made me half of what I can be. I do not claim to be an excellent musician, but I believe I possess sufficient skill to play almost any songs on the piano, or on the saxophone. The flaw remains, on the fact that I do not possess the gift of singing. I am like the mute, an individual that can only rely on body movements, kinesthetic presentation of my music, gestures in my attempt to communicate. I am, in a way, incomplete; deprived of my speech, deprived of my ability to sing.

There are so many songs that I would like to sing aloud to all my heart’s content, messages that I want to send out with all my soul. Serenades that I want to sing to my loved ones. But this just does not seem to be. This absence makes me feel empty and hollow and somewhat incomplete.

I would like to believe that there is a reason to this. I would like to believe that God made me imperfect as I am; just to perfect me one day. I want to believe that God has prepared someone out there, someone who shares my ideal, someone who would sing the words of my song. Someone, who would sing to me, while I play to her. Someone that complements me, and at the same time needs me to complete her. I would want to believe that this is God’s way, God’s grand plan to finish this incomplete creation.

You ask if I believe in soul mate. I do not know my answer to that. But I can tell you that I, am no unlike other musicians, needs nothing but one – an audience, a listener, one that appreciates your music, or the very least, a singer that complements the playing music.

My quest is simple. My longing is clear. Just as every performer wants – to please the audience. But I need, I want something more. Someone that would understand my song, someone to give voice to my music. Would I find her? Would I find the audience that would appreciate what I have to convey, not by words nor speech, but through my song?

Tell me, if you know, would the song finds its voice?

the sum of fear, doubt and joy

2010-09-05T01:22:00.004+08:00

“All I wanted is to hear his voice again.” Daphne covers her face with her hands as she utters her seemingly desperate remark to Jonathan who’s sitting right next to her. It is another day like usual, people flocking the streets shopping, then stopping for tea, before continuing the ongoing conquest of donating endless quids to the malls.

“You’re rather foolish, you know. So this is what you ask me out here to talk about? Just that and you’re all hyped.” Jonathan with his bemused facial expression explains it all; this is not the first time he has heard about this from his childhood friend.

“But it’s HIM…it was so long since I’ve heard from him. And I heard from him today! Of all people, of course you know how I feel? You must know.”, while saying that, she checks her phone to see if she gets any text message from him. It’s the seventh time since they sat down at the table.

“Can you stop doing that, it is irritating.” Daphne looks at Jonathan apologetically and puts away the phone. “In case you’ve forgotten, it has been MONTHS since you heard from him. And he never once called you! Why can’t you just let it go?” Jonathan looks out onto the streets. He couldn’t bear to see her getting hurt, his words is true, but also painful to her.

“He might have been busy with his studies you know, MBA, he has placements and stuffs, plus he has just moved to the city not long ago. It’s not surprising that he’ll go “missing” for a couple of months.”, Daphne presents her argument as if she’s trying to win a debate. “Yeah, right. Is it that hard to reply your texts? Or better, actually picking up your calls?”, John retorts without much thought. It starts to get onto his nerve.

Daphne just look into her cup of tea, saying nothing. Deep down she knows that Jonathan has his point. Him picking up her call right at this time means a lot to her. It’s her birthday today. She stayed up late last night as she prayed really hard for her birthday wish; to hear him wishing her happy birthday. In the end she got her wish, despite it was just a simple “hello, how are you”, she was overjoyed.

“Look, Daphne, he HAS a girlfriend right now…”. Before he could finished, Daphne cut in, saying, “But not married”. Jonathan helplessly allows her the luxury to state her point, before continuing, “…don’t you think that it’s best to just leave him as it is?”. “All I want is to be his friend, that’s just it. To listen to him sometimes and him listening to me. I’m not forcing him to be my boyfriend…of course it would be great if this happens, but I just want him to be my friend. Is that too much to ask from me?”

“Don’t you think that a girl pestering a boy all the time would be a bad option for marriage? What kind of girls actually do that?”, says Jonathan while taking another sip from his cup “. “Well why not? Why can’t girls chase boys? I know I like him enough”, Daphne exclaims as her face blushes. “Have you ever come across the thought that he might not like what you’re doing, and thus not answering your calls?” Jonathan knows that he has won the argument, for Daphne is speechless.

Looking into her determined eyes convinces Jonathan that it is futile to ask Daphne to give up on him. “You’re just pathetic, you know? Pathetic. You care so much about a boy who might not cared for you, and distancing yourself from other friends, friends who actually have your best interest at heart, friends who actually stood by you through THICK and THIN. Just a call from him made you feel like you’re on cloud nine. When was the last time you spoke to Natasha, Clover and Mandy? You’re almost a stranger to them already.”

Knowing that Jonathan is unhappy with her, Daphne look down into her hands, interlocking her fingers, reeling from guilt. Indeed, her passionate conquest for love has strained other relationships with her friends. Jonathan has a point, is he worth the trouble?

Feeling that he might have been too harsh on Daphne, Jonathan grabs her hand and bid her to look up. “Daphne, go and catch your dreams if you must. Do what you can to reach the stars. But at times, we have to wake up from dreams, we have to put our feet on the ground. Just remember that if you ever need me, I’ll always be there for you.”. At that very moment Daphne could barely hold her tears, but somehow she manage to.

Then with every single ounce of courage she mutters the words. “All I want is to just hear his voice again.”

Jonathan takes up his cup of coffee and take a sip of it. “I know” is the only reply he could think of. It’s almost the end of summer, fall is coming. As Daphne remains silent, engulfed with a thousand thoughts and emotions, time just slipped by. Summer, as Jonathan says to himself, should have lasted longer.

Brief Remark:*I have a lot in my mind lately, and instead of posting my usual genre of poetry, I thought it might be good write a short story instead. As the title suggests, this is the “Sum of Fears, Doubt and Joy”.*

Pathétique

2010-08-17T06:09:00.005+08:00

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this feeble mind of mine.

I toiled, sowed and there was little fun;

I relaxed, enjoyed and there was too much time.

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this knuckle-size heart of mine.

Nobody is too big to fit inside, but sadly;

none seem willing to stay behind.

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this fragile soul of mine.

Often I think I’m way beyond my age,

but at times, I’m just a little boy inside.

I don’t know what’s going on,

within this flesh and blood of mine.

I hope to be needed,

yet sadly; I often feel unwanted.

I don’t know if thou ever felt the same,

this same dilemma I’m stranded in.

Things as they are; Life as it is now

is rather tame and lame.

I don’t know how much longer I would remain so,

being down, low and weak.

But thank God, least there’s something I do know,

I am nothing but Pathétique.

EGG fried rice?? kung pow chicken??

2010-08-04T06:23:00.003+08:00

I never knew working at a Takeaway restaurant could be that exciting and the meantime exhausting. I always wondered why adults would so easily get worn out working during the day. After all, it’s just taking orders and cooking. How hard can it be?

Then the retribution for my naivety came. I was asked to replace someone at a takeaway restaurant for one night by one of my church members. I might as well earn some money, considering that I have been working for so many days for nothing. I agreed.

I went to help a day before just to get used to what I have to do the following day. I was taught how to greet customers, take down their orders efficiently, and help pack the foods into their containers. My, it was a really tough job! I had to race against time, swiftly taking down orders, passing them to the kitchen, pack up the food, collect the payments, answering the phones. Worst yet, it will always be busy just when your poised to take a rest.

But nothing compared to the following night. I was to manage the counter all by myself while the two cooks cook food in the kitchen. People came in and out, placing orders that doesn’t seem to end, endless packing and counting and rushing between the counter and the kitchen. I had to keep interrupting my dinner just to serve the customers. Approaching 9 o’clock (end of my shift), my feet were numb.

Taking a precious break from all the hard work, I took a glance into the kitchen. Then a sudden epiphany descend onto me: the two cooks in the kitchen had been doing nothing but cooking all the while. They didn’t even had the luxury of sitting down or take a rest like I did. My shift lasted only for 4 hours, but they would have to work for 6 hours daily, 6 days a week. Here I am, a healthy 20 year old, reeling from the ache of standing to long for just 4 hours, occasionally sat down and rested, was actually far more fortunate than them. I realised, the lives of these fellow brethren are not at all easy by any means.

I ended up that night full from the delicious meals these splendid cooks cooked for me, with a considerable amount of money I (undeservedly) earned in my pocket, aching pains in my both feet. But more importantly, I got a glimpse of how harsh life could be on people, flesh and blood of my kind. I need to emulate the tenacity of these people who strives every single day for survival. I realised how small and minute I am in comparison to them. I am far too green, too naive, too foolish.

I might not like to be where I am this summer. But I am sure that this summer has been a blessing in disguised. I’ve learnt and am still learning so much, about things that I cannot get from books and theories, rather by direct experimenting and experiencing others’ way of life. It is so true that at times “people truly live when they are working”.

It is through rewards reaped through toils and hardship makes living all the sweeter.

Summer blues…

2010-07-15T05:59:00.005+08:00

I can’t think of other times which I felt more boredom, solitude than tonight. Isn’t summer suppose to be a time of warmth, joy and expectations? What I have in company is the chilling weather, showers of rain with continuous flow of songs to keep my soul awake. Awake from slumbering into nothingness.

I think I miss home. I really do. People ask me why don’t i return for summer, or if I ever missed home. I always answered that it cost too much to fly home, and that I am not really homesick. I wasn’t lying. Flying home would really take off a huge hunk of money from my already depleted bank account. And I am expecting future financial issues that may arise.

I am not homesick, but I do miss those times when my father and I would take a ride out to the shops just within the vicinity of the housing estate, eat some Tuaran Mee, drinking his Chinese Tea he mix himself. He is the living incarnation of Cephas (means rock). He is to me the foundation and rock of this small home. Yet he is not faultless. But if there’s anyone that I could rely on, it would be him.

I miss talking to my mother about her schools, students and teachers. I felt that I have learn so much more than not having a headmistress mother. In truth I can see how she strives for the children and her colleagues, yet saying that I understand every single thing she goes through in life would be a crime. She may appear strong and firm outside. But at times what she needs is a man to rely on.

I miss spending time with my brother, talking about classical music, latest manga, and play *fighting* with him (though there were real fights). Sometimes he just want to look up to me, who foreruns just before him. But I feel that I let him down at times. He has so much potential, so much untapped energies that could easily surpasses me. I think that is why he felt weighted by the heavy expectations my parents have for him. I think, I sometimes make the same mistake of pinning an overdose of hope onto his still fragile and young mind.

I miss the dinners my family so often take together. If there’s anything that I would want more than a trip home, it would be to have a proper meal with my family together. My family is no different from the ones you have. We do have good times together: spending time together, going places together. We do hit low points: we quarrel, argue and fight. But what really matters is that we have each other.

“Where your heart is, there would your treasure be”. My treasure has always been my home. But pardon me, miles to walk before I finally return, before I finally stop.

To do or not to do…

2010-06-27T05:48:00.003+08:00

To do or not to do is often the question, the inner struggle that everyone single soul would come to experience it at some point in life. Every decision made would result its designated consequences. No doubt, it is often than not that the consequences of our actions that worries us.

Yet making such decisions are inevitable in life. Decision-making is a seal of approval which recognises that every one of us has free will on their own. The authority over ourselves are placed in our own palms. To not make a choice between doing or not doing means that one has not fully matured.

This brings us into a very awkward situation: we are bound to suffer the consequences of our decisions, be it good or bad, yet we cannot escape the fact that we are our own lords. To remain indecisive, not making choices is the utmost delusional and self-denial state anyone could be in.

Dear readers, I am, more often than not, stranded in such a position.

If the choices presented to me are dialectic or at both extremes, life would be more easier to me. But I always find myself being tempted by things that seem not entirely bad, yet not entirely right. For example, my friends and I would sometimes joke about sex, which is normal for youngsters like us. It is a form of entertainment, and I admit, some CAN be really funny. It is only harmful to you, if somehow you can be related to those jokes. It is not simply black and white nor entirely gray. Free will might be God’s greatest gift to mankind. But it takes a lot of courage and wisdom to utilize such privilege.

I would not be surprise if those who are reading this share the same experience as I. I am so urged to do things that brings me pleasure, especially those that seem to bring no harm. What’s wrong to have fun? Nothing bad is going to happen. What’s worse is when I start to justify things I do to make me feel better. After all, its entertaining and does no harm.

To do or not to do. It is also said, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”. If you feel the same, remember that you’re not alone. I guess the price to pay for free will is continuously struggle between the soul and the body. Can you lust for pleasure suppressed by your conscience in persevering to do the right thing? It is going to be a life-long battle, and it is often a lonely fight. But whatever things may come, I pray, I’ll do the right thing.

Of Israel and Me…

2010-06-06T06:21:00.003+08:00

I have always struggled with this in my belief; Israel is the chosen nation by God himself. In fact, I envied them for being such a blessed nation, that God always look out for them and probably still. It was beyond my comprehension how a nation with less than a million population could have dominated the Holy Land. God would fight their wars, provide what they need, forgive their misgivings. The very fact that they are the “specially chosen” people made me felt sidelined, even felt being outside God’s Love.

The Messianic Prophecy was also given for the sake of Israel; a promise conceived since the ages of Isaiah which every Jew hold on within their heart & faith. Jesus even proclaimed that he came “for the lost sheep of Israel”. I wondered how the Gentiles of those ages felt. Did they had the same thought as I? Was Salvation only meant for Jews? Why, of all race across the world, of all their disbelieve, cruelty, somewhat barbaric nature God has chosen such nation and bless it with milk and honey?

I thought, how could God, being omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscience, would only love one Israel?

The Jews are indeed a blessed nation. In their height of power, they had the mighty, benevolent and philosophical King David. God was with them. Yet when both Judah and Israel fell, its people exiled, God was still with them. In her lowest point in history, Isaiah delivered God’s ultimate promise of deliverance and the promise for Messiah. How good was God to them!!

Yet the Jews are not without fault. They are no where righteous or sinless. In fact, they are weak in faith. They turn away from God so many times that it is beyond human understanding to comprehend God’s unfailing love and loyalty towards them. Amidst being a fallen nation, her people scattered around the world, Israel is reborn with bloodshed and war. This day the world witness the endless turmoil that results in rivers of blood in this land of “milk & honey”. Is the Israel we all see today the “chosen” people of God? One that commits genocide, murder or even attempting world domination?

I must admit, being heavily influenced by the teachings of the bible, that I tend to favour Israel in the Middle East saga. The territory conflict between Israel and Palestine is being justified as what God has promised them in my own conscience. After all, the Israelites inherited the land with bloodshed and war. Why is it wrong again for them to simply repeat what was done by their fore fathers?

The Jews were the reason why the world’s major religion exists today; Judaism, Christianity, Islam. All these teachings focused in the lives of these “great” Jews which many Muslims hated. I always had a feeling that they were taught to hate Jews by their own religion. As for me, being a Christian, I have always struggled between condoning Israel reclaiming her lost glory and condemning her inhuman means of achieving it.

The Israelite’s attack on the Humanitarian Ships sparked lots of response, be it virtual or real world. We would see demonstrations on the streets, declaration of hatred on the internet. Just switch on the TV and Facebook; You shall get it all. People goes around declaring “I hate Israel”, “Kill all the Jews!!” etc. What is most damaging is people get over emotional and irrational in instances such as these. Indeed, what Israel did was shameful. I detest it to the very bottom of my heart. But who are we Christians, Jews, Muslims to claim that God is love and peace by saying “I hate you”, “you hate me”. Hate, is the very essence that breeds hate. How would you stop hatred by hating another?

I believe people would hate God for the things that happened. Its perfectly understandable. But if you must hate for the things that happened, hate and detest the sins that are committed unto you. Hate not the people who sin against you. You and I are both flesh and blood, what really differs us is what we hold onto in our hearts. It is inevitable that Good and Evil must Co-exist in this fallen world. Even if Israel is wiped off from the world, another Israel would rise up and walk in their stead. Good thrives when Evil is strong. How can anyone be sure that once Israel in punished, all those killings and injustice would stop?

Many claim that the Zionists are to be blame for everything. They control and manipulate the economy, politics, media, education and many more. How true is this I do not know, and is never my concern. What concerns me is not the destruction of all “Bad” people in the world. What concerns me is not the peace won through blood and war. concerns me is if I can look past all these prejudices, and love everybody I come in contact with as how Jesus loves me. I suggest you to be of concern if you can just love another human being just as he/she is, and fill this world with as little love as you have to offer.

There is no other time which requires us, whatever religion we might profess, to be united against all kinds of hatred. All three religions teaches that Judgement Day must come. Famine, war, calamity are the signs of Armageddon. It is truly the time where humans, as individuals and nations alike to stand together and brace themselves for the coming days. If we cannot love one another now, what would the world look like when it’s the Day of Judgement? Hell descends upon us the very second we give in to hate. At that time, no religion would withstand the aftermath. People would not know what they believe anymore. It is then when our faith needs to be most steadfast, it is then when it is truly the era of hate. Love one another when you still can, for time is swiftly running out.

Star Gazing Rhapsody

2010-05-25T06:28:00.002+08:00

At times it’s just so,

you’re so far off

even the summer nights felt cold,

missing your acquaintance felt aloft.

Could it be that it’s written,

as a star-crossed dream??

or is it bidding for its own time,

for the rhythm to suit the rhyme?

If there must be a cause

for now in life and days to come,

i fear this could be my “paradise lost”;

for i truly wish you to be happy.

for to heap my blessings upon this curse

is a cruel and painful thing.

but if i should never drink what i thirst,

you would always be the song i sing…

牛郎与织女

2010-05-25T06:26:00.002+08:00

生前盼望死后衰

初时爱意终要怠

漫漫人生必有终

飘飘云彩去无踪

心里挂齿暗自喜

天边茫茫藏知己

醉翁之意非在酒

倾城含笑往心流

人生自古谁无死

乃留丹青照汗青

牛朗心芳早她归

只问织女心属谁

两岸樱猴唙不住

轻舟已过万重山

心里无奈欲大哭

只待相逢依不晚

默然守候此日到

你我白头偕到老

织女纵归天上仙

牛郎只得尽圣贤

i thought…

2010-05-04T06:59:00.002+08:00

I thought i don’t,

but the truth is i miss you…

many a days spent is far too few,

how i regret my silent truth…

i thought i am strong,

but how i recall those evening strolls

we took together at the park…

i thought 3 years is short,

and that i should spend it wisely….

but i can’t help but imagine as this battle fought,

what I've lost in you…

i thought i can just let you go,

by indulging myself in fantasies…

but when these in truth are shred apart,

it is your company that i truly long…

i thought i can and would,

be happy for whom you’ve got…

but this is nothing that my heart has sought,

i am bitter for all that’s lost…

i thought this is all but set,

perhaps it is, perhaps it’s not…

i need to do, what i should and what i ought,

to defend this fragile fort…

i think and thought,

all for naught…

i fight and fought,

god will bring me my final lot…

为何？

2010-04-24T22:48:00.004+08:00

为何自个儿哭？

您又成了爱的俘虏？

为何自个儿伤悲？

又让感情串肠断腑？

为何让泪遮盖眼前路，

掩盖美好前途？

为何让挂念把手于您？

耳边徘徊的，还是他的声音？

问世间情为何物，直叫人以身相许？

若盼新的会来，就得让旧的过去。

这首心中旋转的情歌，

究竟是一首总要播完的曲。

为何自个儿心酸？

回想了当时的甜蜜吗？

为何还盼他会心软，

回心转意回到您身旁？

为何守着已被放弃的诺言？，

反倒忽略旁人的关怀？

为何为爱依然痴心绝对，

活不出来生命中各种精彩？

仰天锤锤胸膛，打开您那已闭上的心芳。

低头抱抱肩膀，纳受幸福是要打开手掌，

让爱自降临心芳！

melodic keepers of the past…

2010-04-22T05:12:00.002+08:00

Lately I got hooked up to Mandarin Songs again and in truth I find them more personal than most English songs that I knew. More personal in the sense that Chinese artists sings a lot about love: platonic and erotic love. I wonder how I let those younger days past without listening to them.

So I ended up scouring YouTube and several sites to download these songs for hours. Some songs remind me of my secondary school days, of how I was so ignorant about love, about how my own introvert self has cost me so much.

Some songs reminds me of friendship, of how I used to have friends to play and fool around all day. Of how I used to feel belonged to a group of silly people. I must say I miss those times, when these friends decorated most of my life. I was naive, I did not appreciate them.

Some songs reminds me of certain individuals that commanded a special place in my heart, and also those few that still. I can’t help but sigh, that if I have known them earlier, or had I been more outgoing, or had I approached them earlier, my life would be considerably changed.

I don’t know if I would ever get the chance to redeem what I have missed all these years. I know in life we would not be able to return to amend our choices, what I have left, is nothing more than the memories that are engraved in these songs. Little it may be, but I guess I’ll be listening to these for quite some time, for it is through this that I may hope to relive those times in those melodies…

知音颂

2010-04-17T09:42:00.002+08:00

人生难得遇知己，

但求知音同心思。

楼上遥望东至西，

与您相论不计时。

乾坤运行无止尽，

人生渺茫有几回。

能得知音乃是幸，

您却心里倒有谁？

夕阳之短几分焉，

与友共处赏夕阳。

天涯纵然赐红颜，

海角自会备心芳。

If Only You know…

2010-04-17T09:30:00.002+08:00

If only you know,

what a friend I’ve found in you.

of such the interest that we share,

the same passion of the same flair.

If only you know,

this feeling of acquaintance that I feel,

of such rarity, that I was amazed that you are You,

out of so many, you are few among the few.

Yet I wonder, what of me do you feel?

as of the same passion that we share,

are the hopes I dare to habour would be real?

If only you know.

Ramblings of the fool…

2010-04-14T08:26:00.001+08:00

Some people say:

“what is to come must always come,

be it your knowledge or not.

what is to pass must always pass,

be it physical, bonds or even thoughts.”

then some say:

“if so why we bother to live in full,

knowing that our lives have all but set.

are we to just live strictly to the rule,

to the rule of some divine entity name Fate?”

yet i believe life harbours a divine purpose,

for the wise or the foolish, or the rich or poor.

to live is to work towards something

that might last beyond the clutches of hell,

when the flesh would one day fail.

to wait patiently for Time to run its course,

is the only thing i can do.

for even God loves and cares for the sparrows,

what more would He do for this sinful fool?

call me naive, call me a fool,

tell me that i don’t deserve it all;

i’m may be the worse among the pool.

yet i shall rejoice and rise from this fall,

let others say they’re better, that they stand up tall.

let my soul say, i was at the highest

when to my knees i fall.

let my soul sing, i am loved

even if the world hates me to the core.

to the sad clown…

2010-04-14T08:17:00.002+08:00

it’s true that people say when you travel, you meet different kinds of people. true to that, i met many different people with different personalities from my recent trip.

there’s this one person whom surprised me. i had not expected to see two different sides of faces that hung on the same skull which could potentially be so distinctive from one another.

and my god, i think i was terrified at first. the impression this person (which is a girl) gave me in a conversation was friendly, passionate and somewhat attractive. but when i paid a visit to the her blog online, i felt as if i had intruded into a totally different person’s territory. what was masked behind the somewhat extrovert character is a moody, emotional and to a large extent a very egoistic side of this pitiful individual.

i think what she claims in her blog that she does best is to put on different levels of intelligence and masks to suit different people she meets. let say she meets a fool, she would then speak and act very much like one (to not let the fool feel intimidated according to her blog) and should she meet an intellect, she would happily tears the masks off and enjoy the intellectual talk. this made me wonder, what kind of masks did she put on when she spoke to me??

yet i must admit, i was already very much drawn to her at the first place, even more after i found out the different side of her. her ability to wear different masks to suit different people she interacts with really impress me, and in truth made me feel intimidated and slightly disgusted.

then i began to pity her and probably she does deserve some pity. such individual may never truly seen her true self in the mirror. is she really better than the rest? is she really one of the rare intellectual, the wise among the many fool? if so, is she happy? what joy can come to a clown, who smiles and cries to satisfy the crowds?

i do want to try to befriend this sad yet interesting individual. but her high and sturdy egoistic wall bars herself from doing so. yet what i can do here is to just wish her all the best, that she would one day no longer need to put on masks and wear emotions that doesn’t resonate with her heart, that she would learn that even the most popular and successful clown, is the one that really needs cheering up.

Say…

2010-04-13T07:45:00.002+08:00

People say things come and go,

and time would heal everything…

What is this then, this feeling deep in my heart?

Why is it then, my soul is struggling?

People say years are as days

when we live as it is the last…

What is this then, this impatience I feel?

Why is it then, I can’t wait for this to pass?

People say friends are forever,

friends are their life and pride…

What is this then, this feeling of loneliness?

Why is it then, no one’s by my side?

People say love last forever,

unbound by dimensions of space, time and death…

What is this then, this dire lust for more?

Why is it then, I thought I have it all?

I say,

time may heal, but some scars are beyond repair…

Friendship don’t last forever,

at times the burden is too heavy to bear…

Love dissipates like thin air,

when people used up their fare…

Yet a little dose of gratitude and the will to share…

would ensure immortality of these to those who care…

I say,

be it yesterday, tomorrow or even today,

whatever people say,

Let me be wise, and listen to what the Spirit chooses to say,

for guidance, protection and strength in every way,

every day.

Tribute to Aries…

2010-04-13T07:33:00.001+08:00

I pray,

As thou step towards the ripeness of age,

So does your taste of elegance and grace,

Decorates and beautify the Canvas of Your Life.

By the use of wisdom, governing over wits,

And of the loving hand of the Father,

Watching over thee from where He sits,

Thou shall be sustained in Faith, Love and Hope,

As thou steps beyond this Blessed Day,

Never shall thou walk alone down the way.

-Happy Blessed 21^st Birthday-

Sonnet of the Foolish Fellow…

2010-03-17T07:32:00.012+08:00

long it has passed that it’s forgotten,

that fateful day of anguish.

it was then I felt alone and abandoned,

no voice to me could reach.

finally to me it came to light,

why people would hurt themselves?

to ease the pain with greater blight,

sedating the Flesh deeper to hell.

I’ve tried and tried, and to no avail,

it reached a point I gave it up.

I thought with sincerity i wouldn’t fail,

but only salt onto the wound was rubbed.

three years has passed, yet there’s more to go,

for all I know, I was nothing but a foolish fellow

The Nights of Liberty…

2010-03-16T04:55:00.001+08:00

The silence of Liberty worries me…

as how any daunting silence do…

No songs of birds but petty laughter heard..

shut behind the Willow door…

the queerness of Liberty intrigues me…

as in silence I watch Aries cry…

but the air contains a deadly scent…

i wonder, if there is anything needing mend…

the silent tears of Liberty haunts me…

the image of tears sliding down Her cheeks…

i can’t help but think of me the fee…

that renders such pain to Her who seeks…

the joy of Liberty lifted me…

I’ve not been happier than I could remember…

but if my joy is built upon the Her grieve…

i would have stayed put and spare Her rather…

the warmth of Liberty reminds me…

that friends in need are friends indeed…

yet in times where the diluted barrier fails to act…

this warmth becomes the reason to not look back…

This ground of Liberty has brought me much…

more than i could imagine, wish and thought…

but it’s built upon the grounds of pain…

i could not bid myself to visit it again…

i am sorry for not making it easy for Liberty…

as Aries wanders its skies in tears…

i can’t promise more but to be a friendly guide..

should Her weary tears drown out Her sight…

Until i return to the grounds of Liberty…

May Aries braces Herself,

and be happy…

-Bornion Crusader-

Missing…

2010-01-24T08:57:00.001+08:00

Missing a hell lots of things,

the good as well as the bad,

Probably just can’t help feeling,

a little depressed and sad.

Missing the warmth I used to cuddle in,

where nights flourished with dreams,

Relishing the thrill of midnight living,

Imagining Adam tucking Eve in.

Missing those times when i was actually living,

people whom gave my life a meaning,

and times we spent together,

seeing, talking and doing.

Missing those connections I'm losing,

miles away and leagues apart,

yearning for someone’s caring thoughts,

i wonder, who resides within your heart?

Missing the years i left behind,

in pursuit for the better in those to come,

yet missing the things my heart intends to bind,

missing everything my life attempts to find.

-Bornion Crusader-

When Peace seems…

2009-11-17T06:46:00.001+08:00

When peace seems impossible,

all i see is pain, suffering and trouble;

at times the price for love is just too high,

too high that not even Trust could buy;

They falter away, further than mortal hand could grasp;

when peace seems impossible…

When peace seems inconceivable,

where hatred becomes the language universal;

no way out or way in,

for all had fallen short and sinned,

love felt so far away; vague and dimmed;

for when faith is gone,

bonds are torn;

When peace is absent,

what is left of those we built?

all those giggles and laughter,

masked within the great deep guilt;

have all i seen is false?

have all i dream is lost?

how great Love and Faith has cost!!

Such is the life of ours:

peace comes as it leaves,

joy and laughter is all that matters;

when thunder strikes, issues rise,

all is put away,

“i see myself ONLY in my eyes”;

in our pain nothing else count,

as if only we are to climb the highest mount;

Woe be to those of selfish thoughts;

I have been greatly mistaken; what a endless fall!!

let all go, and my Self begot;

Live for myself, yet more live for all!!

-Bornion Crusader-

Incomprehensibles…

2009-10-19T03:04:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I just feel,

the world is upside down,

I don’t know what to believe;

Truth is nowhere to be found…

Often I’m confused,

by the currents of the World,

in which it operates its mystery,

shrouded in its clouded fakery…

At times I find myself dumbfounded,

when I reflect on how things changed,

how can one profess love yesterday,

yet the love is gone today?

Alas! Has the world gone astray?

Oh Seekers of Love and Peace,

In this mist of fear and pain,

Have all your efforts been in vain?

The world is not plain right or wrong;

it’s a mixture of black and white,

yet complacency becomes the resting place,

of those in the dark in need of light…

I pray that better things are yet to come,

than the world I’ve live to see today,

I pray that I would strive on and hard,

to see that blessed day,

though deep down I know: The End is not far away,

and pray,

I’m not too far astray…

-Bornion Crusader-

Letter to Love…

2009-09-13T12:47:00.001+08:00

Dear Love,

What is Faith when Thou is not present?

What is Hope when Thou is absent?

Sometimes I forget, dear friend,

That Thou is all that matters.

Thou art kind, Thou art pure

To anguished hearts,

Thou art their cure.

Thou don’t bear grudges, not remembering wrongs

To conscience-stricken hearts,

Thou brought forgiveness.

Thou art faithful, and remained the same through ages

To those who love,

Thou prevailed even beyond the Hades.

What is Faith when Thou is not present?

What is Hope when Thou is absent?

Faith, Hope & Love

Among these and above,

Thou art the greatest of them all.

Till the end of ages part me not!!

Yours who love,

Unloved

-Bornion Crusader-

Letter to Hope

2009-09-11T23:09:00.001+08:00

Dear Hope,

I pray thou part me not.

As how thou have been there for me…

It’s thy support I sought…

It’s thy strength that I walk on…

At times the skies are dark & gloom…

Nights where the stars veiled by the darkened moon…

I pray this Dusk would end very soon…

For Night is bound to be…

The lord of this land as the Day…

But if thou is ever around me…

I shall never go astray…

With if thou be my guide…

Thou would lead me through the darkest Night…

Though I may stand at the pinnacle of this Land…

Where the Night turns to Day…

Sometimes I get complacent, and am willing to stay…

Thou must give me a little nudge and say,

“The Day rests beyond a distance away, buckle up and get along the way…”

For if thou ever from me depart…

Where Salvation would be from thou apart??

For I’ll always know,

“Thou resides in my Heart”

Yours Hopefully,

Hopeless

-Bornion Crusader-

Letter to Faith

2009-09-11T23:07:00.001+08:00

Dear Faith,

I know not how Thee

Defended me from the Evil Ones

Throughout all the years

Through all these fears

I know not how Thee

Stood by me even before legions of army

Safeguarding me from the tedious battles

That took place before the doorsteps of my heart

Throughout all the years

Through all these fears

I know I have neglected Thee

I’ve not care if Thou needed repairs

Or if rats nibbled holes on Thee

'But by Thy namesake Thou hadn’st forsaken me

Throughout all the years

Through all these fears

I know how sometimes I betray Thee

By my own arms tear Thee

For my heart yearns for the earthly lusts

Amidst of my treachery Thou has still protected me

Throughout all the years

Through all these fears

Thus with all I can

With what I am

For Thy sake as well as mine

I shall strive on and defend

This Land of Honey and Milk

Till the very very end

End of ages and End of men

Yours Faithfully,

Unfaithful

-Bornion Crusader-

This Numbness…

2009-09-03T00:31:00.001+08:00

Maybe it’s written on the stars…

Predictable as the weathers…

I couldn’t seem to pull myself together…

This Numbness engulfs my heart…

Maybe it has been prophesized…

Foretold by the signs…

I just can’t suppress this dreadful feeling…

This Numbness that tears me apart…

Maybe it is destined…

Like a script written for a play…

I thought I could rewrite them in my favour…

But alas this Numbness rips me within…

Maybe everything is just ‘maybe’s…

Something that none of us can foresee…

I think and decide and make my point…

But I guess, this Numbness won’t be here for long…

Maybe, things soon would turn out better for me!!

-Bornion Crusader-

An Unwilling Traveller’s Monologue…

2009-07-28T16:35:00.003+08:00

Thinking that soon I’ll be leaving,

This land of comfort and love,

My tiny voice whispered within,

Would those years to come be of any worth?

If only it won’t my heart itself deceive,

This journey will be one that I would savour,

If only my heavy soul my body could heave,

Such a big world out there, What could I not achieve?

I wonder if I had put my best in her,

How different would today be?

I ponder if these coming days I can be there for Her,

Would She be there for me?

Its just a yard yet so far apart,

The Flower would soon charm a swarm of wasp,

I can only place it deep down my heart,

Wish it all the best, May you in love find your rest.

While my heart today has torn to two,

Yet I must walk on and live in full,

Who knows how, when and where,

I might return and she waits there.

Though it may be just a hollow dream,

I may not succeed, I may not win,

But upon this dream, my hope I pin.

-Bornion Crusader-

Particles of Hope…

2009-07-21T01:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder,

What tomorrow would bring,

While today is a wretched one...

I would want to run,

From this world if I can…

For it’s an empty hunt,

To answer questions of how and when...

The night seems so long,

With everything seems so wrong…

But each night has to end with dawn,

And a new day shall soon be born…

Light would shine amidst of darkness,

And Hope emerge among the hopeless…

This light will be my light,

To lead me on as my guide…

I shall walk towards the light,

Leaving the shadow behind…

For when hope answers to my plights,

I shall savour joy forever,

High up on cloud nines!!

-Bornion Crusader-

Why do one fall in love??

2009-05-29T18:16:00.003+08:00

Why, why do I fall in love??

that I may get to my feet again…

and for all my efforts worth…

I find my hand in hers and hers in mine…

Why, why do you fall in love??

For a friend in need is a friend indeed…

down the dark deep woods…

this love brings warmth and darkness rid…

Why, why do we fall in love??

God first loved us and so we love…

Shall we reject all sufferings and hardship, blaming God for them??

Behold!! God is no tool for man to sought his own!!

Open our hearts and help us learn; through the thick and thin God is love!!

Why, why do we fall in love??

For the little life within means everything…

A child is the jewel of the father and the mom…

A union of two flesh into giving birth to one…

Flee, flee if you really want…

But nothing is left but a great defeat…

A great defeat to a queer little feeling…

So in-comprehendible for it’s so deep…

Yet so shallow that none could wish to drown in it…

Love is so deep that it has no depths…

yet not shallow enough for one to hope drowning in.

So mysterious…

Such precious…

LOVE

In response to:

Leaving The Past Behind & When You Look At Me

-Bornion Crusader-

As a whole; Not as one…

2009-05-15T17:29:00.002+08:00

I felt great at first…

Confidence in me fought to burst…

For I did well…

So pride in me swell…

But is me all that matters??

While some are in tatters??

The cries of the poor and the need,

Have I answered and given out freely??

Though what I can do is little…

My strength is feeble…

But won’t we try to climb the mount…

And reach for the Valley of Endless Bound??

If we would just come together…

For the love for one another…

I would want to be the first to serve…

And the last to enjoy being loved…

That all of us might reach our destination…

As a whole; not as one…

That we may fulfill our dreams and obligations…

Not me only; but everyone…

-The Bornion Crusader-

The way we are…

2009-05-09T18:40:00.002+08:00

Candles burn; not for self but for all…

In self-pity it cries not, but for our ungrateful thought…

Whom constantly belittle its graceful fall…

We’re woeful creatures; full of ourselves…

Ages to ages, this is just the way we are…

“Excuses” are our faithful friend; a child, teen or man…

We get through each day riding on such stead…

Buying us way out of trouble in no speed…

“Accident's” do happen; and yes, babies come with them…

Humans are “beasts”; We are the way we are…

The tongue is a useful ally; while we boast and spread envy…

It is what that made the hypocrites look pious…

While masking behind the mortal-Divined revelations…

Bending rules and feed themselves full…

Of the poor and needy; it’s ugly, but it’s how the way we are…

Only those who fly have wings…

Men don’t, therefore we hate those pretty things…

Not wanting to lose out, Icarus wield his own to join the birds…

To his own ego and defiance he met his end…

Man are not destined for what they never can…

We never learn; and this is just the way we are…

While the women fought their way up far…

They seem to forget; some things are not meant to be on par…

The moon reflects what’s given by the star…

But the sun commands nothing in the presence of moon and vice versa…

Like it or not, men and women are the way things are…

Once fallen, one hit hard onto the ground…

But would one able to stand up, and go for another round??

Once lost, one goes astray into the wild…

But what are the chances of being found??

One often lives in self-denial; That’s just the way we are…

Reaching dreams make one struggle for perfection…

But dreams often happen in one’s sleep…

Shall one drop his guard and let his chances slip…

Or instead keep wide awake and reach for his destination??

To most life’s a delusion; We, after all is just what we are…

“Where is Thy love?” the world often asked…

“Give us guidance from above!!”…

Smirking, God replied, “Hadn’t I sent you Love?”

“You refused to believe, and would not faithfully serve”…

We think that we’re wise; in truth are foolish beings…

We are just the way we are…

-Bornion Crusader-

In response to "The way globalized things are"

Sometimes…

2009-05-01T00:48:00.001+08:00

Sometimes we may not seem to understand…

Nor what our counterparts have in mind…

We are just “boys” manifest in bodies of man…

Most of the time our eyes may see but at times our hearts are blind…

Sometimes we may seem not wanting to comprehend…

For at times life takes it’s toll off us…

Those times we just want someone to be there as our friend…

Life at times, could be a dreadful curse…

Sometimes we just couldn’t understand…

Why they would make effort and dress up in fancy…

Some say it meant solely to please the men…

But sometimes simplicity is to look sexy…

Sometimes we might not comprehend…

What they go through or what they feel…

We don’t know what to do; so we would just pretend…

That we may not hurt them and help them heal…

Sometimes we may purposely prick on them…

But all we wanted is a little reaction…

At times we might appear harsh and firm…

But all we wanted is a little attention…

Sometimes we may just not comprehend the simplest of meanings…

Nor understand the upmost complicated messages…

After all we are what we are: mere human beings…

So please forgive us men, and help us pay our wages…

THAT WE MIGHT LOVE THEM MORE, AND UNDERSTAND THEM BETTER!!

-Bornion Crusader-

Maybe… Lets go forth!!

2009-04-25T21:22:00.001+08:00

maybe it wasn’t that bad after all…

after all that had happened…

maybe it’s some sort of compensation…

after all, is there for me to lose anymore??

maybe the worst had past after all…

after all the hurt and pain from the fall…

there’s nowhere but up to go…

to live for myself; this i would do…

but this happens every time…

every time i thought all was lost…

when despair took its place and dreams are tossed…

the sun shines through and melt the frost…

let’s just bear a little longer…

whether as friends or as a loner…

maybe after all, all would change for the better…

maybe after all, the sad days are finally over…

let’s just keep our fingers crossed…

though what was said or done may not be rid off…

for everything has its own price and cost…

and for this reason “Let’s go forth!!”

-Bornion Crusader-

Ramblings of the Heart…

2009-04-23T20:04:00.001+08:00

I love to write poems; for it is the cryptology of the linguistic language. But at times (like this) I just feel like I want to express myself without encrypting mind twisting symbolisms.

Likewise, I wish to have friends who can see past the crypts of my tale; the true emotions behind the mask. But how many really do?? How many really empathize or “walk in my skin”??

Sometimes I am just so let down by the things and happenings around me. I want and choose to “believe in the best of others”, but as how the wise Mr. Mior puts it in, “people would always disappoint you”. Sometimes I’m so down i wanted to give up believing that there is sincerity between friendship.

I believe most readers would understand the traumatic events that led to this pathetic me. But for the sake of those who doesn’t, I’ll spare the pain of going through it all again (mentally).

I think I committed the greatest taboo in a friendship; I was infatuated with a friend of mine. Everything was fine and well, till under some circumstances that my feelings were made known. Things became sour and the friendship rots away. But that’s not the worse of it. What I can’t and yet to comprehend is why I am being treated such a way. You may say that i befriended in order to approach her; I do not deny. But my question is, “WHO DOESN’T??”. You may say that I wasn’t sincere in the friendship. Alright, I admit that there is this little part that I am not being truthful about; My true feelings for her. Yet this was because I fear what would become of us if she ever finds out. Truly enough, there couldn’t be any worst things that took place.

In that relationship (be it friendship or infatuation), I say that I gave my all. I’m hurt till this day because I loved. But after all this while, things were swept under the cabinet, and I am STILL in the dark.

But readers must have wondered, why now?? Why after a year or more only I voiced out this concern of mine?? In truth I am constantly in struggle overcoming this trauma of mine all these while. If my dear friends think otherwise, you can’t be much wrong than you are. It is not the trauma of being rejected, but the trauma of being treated so unfairly by a friend that I have cared and love (as a friend) so much. It is so severe that it effects my interactions with other friends (I believe some would understand this). Beneath the coldness of my facial expressions lies a vast ocean of uncertainty.

While I am still suffering from this undignified pain, this friend of mine is rather sociable. Well, it is none of my business to meddle or to comment upon it, after all that had happened. But I find it hard to accept the fact how one can truly call another friend (or lover) when he/she treated others unfairly?? By all means, be happy (and it’s always a good thing to have someone). I am not writing to criticise or to protest any forms of relationship this friend is bonding, in the present or the future. But I do want to relay the message that though I may seem minute and insignificance in your life, but you once held the highest regard I bestow to my love ones (especially MARJON 1 IPGAYA, family and a special friend). No matter what you think of me, I had once tried to believe in the best of you. I have to admit, as a dear friend of mine puts it, “you both are still friends, just not that close anymore”. By all means, we are still friends (that’s if you wouldn’t mind), but if you wouldn’t after reading this post under any circumstances, i have nothing to say.All I could do is to wish you luck, for I think (I don’t know what others think) that you need much of it.

Indeed the truth doesn’t matter now, for I’m being let down all and out. I pray that those I love and those who love me would still stick with me through the thick and thin, for I need all the love there is to get over this trauma of mine. Help me to rediscover my faith and trust in the best of others, help me to recover the sweetness in true friendship, help me in my quest to be a good friend to those who hath and still love me, and a better one to those who doesn’t.

-Bornion Crusader-

Best & Fair

2009-04-23T19:21:00.001+08:00

the aching heart cries out in agony…

the mind struggles in frenzy…

the battle has not been won…

but the most is gone…

how i tread carefully all these while…

a step at a time on life’s Green Mile…

through all the hardship and the pain…

everything turn out in vain…

i’ve put my all upon the floor…

everything i have, nothing less or more…

the outcome is futile…

both in the past and now…

why then should i push myself,

to my limits for thyself??

i command no place in your narrow world…

i am just another Kino seeking the “World’s Biggest Pearl”…

But despair and grieve came with it…

thus i have no choice but be part from it…

for any longer my life would collapse for something…

that i have no place without or within…

life of simplicity would be a bliss…

celibacy might spare me of the “Pearl’s” amiss…

but i pray that it would meet its worthy owner…

retaining it is painful, and way much harder…

i shan’t longer wait anymore…

all hopes thrown out of the door…

i wish for nothing now…

but if God has more to spare…

i shan’t neither grumble and gladly bear…

for God’s blessings would be the best and fair!!

-Bornion Crusader-

Reunion...

2009-03-24T19:34:00.003+08:00

A train of thoughts flow through the mind…

While staring upon the stars that blind…

Of where life has led me with this fate of mine…

I’ve been through the sweet, sour and bitter…

For I once thought sweet was the only flavor…

But alas life has more to come…

That without pain pleasure brings no fun…

I used to be so ignorant and naïve…

And I wanted to believe in dreams and myths…

But I was brought to ground, solid and hard…

My dreams and heart suffered from serious cuts…

Just as stars ventured out of its designated paths…

A drastic fall from grace,

all that is there is god’s immense wrath…

People often say that “time heals everything”…

But mine is far from any “complete healing”…

Every wound would leave a scar…

We can never be again who we are…

For the wages of sin is death…

Dead in the spirit, no hope is left…

But there was this fountain of the “Divine Healing”…

Of blood and flesh from our divine kin...

There was no hope, but to Love was more than willing…

To those who believe a life anew it brings…

Though I lost in the past but now I win…

With the Faith bestowed I am keen…

To face tomorrow with the Hope I’ve seen…

Though the scars would remain for what I’ve done…

Though I failed in my quest for the things I want…

But now life rewrites itself anew…

While the gentle breeze on my face it blew…

The train of thoughts flow through my mind…

I was once lost; I was blind…

But all that matters is am now been found…

To Love I am forever bound…

And all my blessings I keep a count…

Till the day everything comes to an end…

Of which Love reunites with man…

-Bornion Crusader-

My incompetence, My Limitations...

2009-01-26T00:06:00.002+08:00

If I could ever just bring peace…
To the world that crave for it…
If I could ever bring ease…
To those who are in need…
If I could ever just be powerful...
To cater to all how God did…
If I could ever be more capable…
Maybe there’re lesser people who bleed…

Yet I know there’s much I can’t achieve…
Some dreams are too great to reach…
Though there’s much I want to believe…
Somehow there’s something of a problem; or a glitch…
I want to practice of what I often preach…
Yet most of the time,
Between talking n acting there’s a great great rift…

Sometimes I would just want to take both paths…
Where it would only allow a choice of either one…
Sometimes I wonder if the Devil is having a cruel laugh…
When I’m to decide whom to cater to…
I find myself never been ever true;
I’m weak, and just a fool…
What can I possibly do??

I despise my own incompetence…
My own inability to bring relieve…
To protect my own confidence…
To defend my own belief…

Now I’m left standing…
At the wake of the consequences of my own decision…
Which I can never regret…
Nor take a U-turn back…
For in compensation for my limitation…
I am to sacrifice another option…
In favor for another that is full of doubts and questions…
Which I hope that my heart would never need to answer...
My conscience painful reaction...

-Bornion Crusader-

Let It Go, Let It flow...

2009-01-18T14:36:00.001+08:00

The much anticipated moment of despair…
Has finally taken its place…
To some it was hard to bear…
It’s just too unfair!!
Some took a whole day…
For the thought to sink in…
Reflecting upon it…
It’s such a sad sad thing…
Mourning over the painful tear…
Fuming over the ugly win…
Is life gonna be a new beginning?
Classes were fun,
Often with debates and words of punts…
And tips for Life’s Cruel Run…
Who shall water the half grown plants??
Which in need of proper care…
Who shall tell us how to dress up and what to wear??
And how to mend broken hearts and broken pairs??
Life has come to a change…
And so must we…
Things of the past; the gain the loss…
Let go and just let it be…
For it is tomorrow that we must brace bravely…
Mourn if we must…
But don’t be bound to it…
For in changes and new things we must invest our trusts…
Rebuild once again from scratch…
And maybe someday we’ll realize…
What happened today is a blessing set for tomorrow…
Though stranded in our present sorrows…
Have faith and the Lord shall pick us up…
And lead us on where we should go…

-Bornion Crusader-

Season of Love

2008-12-24T17:09:00.010+08:00

It’s again, the season of love…
A gift from our Father above…
A time to celebrate Jesus’ miracle birth…
A joyful day, for all the earth…

It’s again, the season of love…
A time to straighten those who curved…
To offer water to those who thirsts…
To bring redemption from sin and death’s cruel curse…

It’s again, the season of love…
Made available by the Master who serve…
He wasn't spared; His blood drenched the earth…
Hung on the tree, life slipping through His pain stricken nerves…

It’s again, the season of love…
He is sinless, ranks high above…

But He humbled Himself to this lowly sinful turf…

He was made sinful, bearing our Curse…

It’s again, the season of love…
Let’s not forget through Him all is made of its worth…
Through His blood He broke the Curse…
Through His death to the Church He gave its birth…

It’s again, the season of love…
He first loves us thus we love…
So now let’s hold hands together, and spread His love…
For we must never forget; God is Love!!

It’s again, THE SEASON OF LOVE!!

-Bornion Crusader-

Season of Love!!

Tagging Along...

2008-12-22T12:30:00.007+08:00

I know this is stupid, don't tell me but it is. I don't know why I do it but there it is. It's so small that I have to keep magnifying the picture, and I can't even tell if it's a cat with 5 legs and no tail or a cat with no legs and 5 tails. DARN I forgot about the eyes also (a curse??) and the whiskers is totally out of place. I think the first one on the right is floating. Well, not bad for my first tag. Thanks to my drawing skills, I came across a new species of cat. Maybe I should give it a name. *Neesemese Cat* How does it sound??

P.S. By far this is the hardest struggle I have in my "electronical" life; drawing a cat on my laptop. I wonder what's more yet to come?

-Bornion Crusader-

My Father, Friend and King...

2008-12-22T11:43:00.005+08:00

I came across this little poem that i suspect to be a song lyric, and guess what, I was right. It's the song "Ocean Soul" by Nightwish from their album Century Child.

One more night

To bear this nightmare

What more do I have to say

Crying for me was never worth a tear

My lonely soul is only filled with fear

Long hours of loneliness

Between me and the sea

Losing emotion

Finding devotion

Should I dress in white and search the sea

As I always wished to be - one with the waves

Ocean Soul

Walking the tideline

I hear your nameIs angels whispering

Something so beautiful it hurts

Long hours of loneliness

Between me and the seaI only wished to become something beautiful

Through my music, through my silent devotion

I was kinda disappointed, after checking through their background. They held on to certain ideas in their songs that I can't readily accept. Plus their genre is "metal", not quite my taste. I was interested that song because of their poetical elements in the song "Ocean Soul". Too bad it greatly reflects the human disappointment of ever exisiting loneliness. It is such a sad song, yet true. But this is because the world has yet to experience God's love, the Love that Jesus bears to us.

The feel just came and i wrote a poem to counter the song "Ocean Soul". :P

Day by day…
By my side you would always stay…
What could I ask for,
What else could I pray?

Now I know in every tear I shed…
In every expectation unmet…
In my tears your shoulder is the one that’s drenched wet…
It doesn’t matter for what reason I was sad…
Or what I did was something bad…
Your love shines through it;
It’s your strength that I tap…

Walking alongside down the beach…
You are ever within reach…
Sometimes we may be whispering…
But I know,
Your grace is for me to sing…
If my life is a drawing,
Your love would be its paint and ink…
Through my music and praises my lips sing…
My life for you,
My Friend, Father and King…

It really makes all the difference. Experiencing God's love doesn't free us from pain and death. Rather we can embrace them with the confident that God is in control, even over them. Jesus' death on the cross has also made those who believe die along with it; Jesus' resurection from death has also made those who believe arise again, died to our sin, born into the glory of Christ.

Anyway...It's the Season of Love!!

Sometimes Cupid Can Also Bite!!

2008-12-15T15:10:00.004+08:00

It was just a stare…
Crept in a feeling so rare…
Falling back into infatuation’s cruel lair…
This time around how well would I fare??
To God I pray a silent plea…
Could she be the one for me??
So I tread on slowly…
Around her I tried to be…
But that wasn’t at all easy…
I was shy I guess…
And almost made it a total mess…
It dented my confidence…
I am nowhere near to be a Jason!!
The Golden Fleece is out of reach…
Its defenses are too strong to breach…
By sympathy I survive the feat…
But not without the casualty of my fleets…
It was a worthless effort,
Or even a foolish run…
For it was already won by one…
My efforts are again in vain…
And I reared silently in pain…
My turn is still yet to come…
For now it is best to remain calm…
Till another Fleece is in sight…
And fight my way through to reach its side…
Oh hell, now i know…
Sometimes Cupid can also bite!!

-Bornion Crusader-

A Reflection of the Recent Yesterdays...

2008-12-15T14:34:00.015+08:00

Standing in midst of multitude…
Thus starts a new prelude…
With some secret expectations...
I took the first step into this sticky situation…
Havoc struck well before I could find my footing…
So many qualities in me are found wanting…
A group was there in need for me to lead…
Silently inside to God I pleaded…
Please get me out of this shit!!

The group was a big real mess…
We had perverts so as muich as pests…
Nothing ever seems correct…
No solid grounds for me to tread…
Life seems to be at the gloomiest…
A little more in tears, I would burst…

But then things turn for the better…
As we get to know one other…
Things start to move and ideas flow…
We are becoming somewhat a big bang blow…
Though it turned out to be an all time low…
I think we had fun; and together had some row…
We learned to accept the good and bad…
As well as the normal and the mad…
I couldn’t be more proud and happy for them…
They gave it all and with love stood firm…

But then time flew swiftly among our midst…
Leaving the good memories behind and we are to take our leave…
So in sadness and with a little grief…
Tears soak onto our sleeves…
We parted ways, sad yet gay…
For it was a time worthy of remembrance, day after day…
How much would I give to be with them again…
Hopefully our friendship would blossom,

And never be in vain..

-Bornion Crusader-

Group Matang

"Matang Konon..."

Me, Hubert and Joshua...looks like Do-Re-Mi lorr..a somewhat cruel reminder of my heigh...*sigh* :P

You would always be my friend..

2008-11-16T22:36:00.002+08:00

I’ve loved, and am loved…
I’ve served, and am served…
I am for the trouble worth,
And sometimes those troubles get on people’s nerve…

I’ve hated, and being hated…
After all I’m a creation, something created…
From one to hundred, you tell me how much should I be rated…
Then I shall tell you, how much you are graded…

I’m imperfect, far from any forms of perfection…
So that is why I keep doing improvisations…
I seek to make the right choice at life’s complicated interjections…
Whereby roads lead to roads; how shall I make my selections??

I’m just another person…
Prone to pain and desperation…
Yet I can bring comfort and quell dissatisfaction…
If you would trust me in every situation…

All in all…
I can’t guarantee any friends that with me they would never fall…
But I can promise that I am always there whenever they give my name a call…
And they can always trust me, above all.

I don’t know about them, but here I make my stand…
My life is for a purpose, Love till the very end…
As how God love me, that’s how I to this world was sent…
Though things didn’t come through how I wished or plan…

I wish you all the best and you would always be my friend…

-Bornion Crusader-

Killing the Mockingbird

2008-10-24T19:38:00.001+08:00

“It’s a sin to kill the mockingbird…
When it sings its heart out”…
Ask thyself, and see if thy worthy to stand among the clouds…
Shedding of innocent blood…
Is no trip around the roundabout…

Authorities play the Hunter’s Game…
While pricking on their prey…
Thinking that birds have no feelings;
Or do they?
Birds have no rights or have any say…
Picking their spot, picking their day…
To give the bird a courteous “Go away”…

Arming their rifles, taking their aim…
Thirst has set their hearts aflame…
Pulling the trigger, the bird flew astray…
It may not die, or it may…
But it doesn’t matter to them anyway…
They have disposed the bird standing in their way…

But the bird wasn’t a foolish one…
It knows; being the special hunt…
It is different from those under the sun…
Preferring the dark and shade, it was always on the run…
Plucking on olives rather than palms…
It was deemed to bring lesser goodness but more harm…

Sometimes its voice cause people to be adrenaline pumped…
Or in the mid day heat turbulent minds calmed…
It enjoys motivating people reaching what they want…
In return asked for nothing but some bread crumbs…
Or just some sweet plums…
As a payment for what it had sung…

Those who witness the murder…
Would scream in agony on top of their lungs…
For one had mercilessly suffered…
From the ferocious back stabbing tongues…
May it be a lesson or a reminder…
People are not disposables or mere junks…

For the next time around…
You might find yourself weighted, yet lesser by a pound…
Then you’ll realize your heart is hollowed; it is nowhere to be found…
You’ve traded your heart for a bullet round…
To shoot that mockingbird out of contention, out of bounds…

-Bornion Crusader-

Wonders...

2008-10-17T19:22:00.000+08:00

At times we can’t help but wonder…
How God works in this world…
Among mess things seems to be in order….
Of things that look like mud muddle…
We might never know…
Beneath it there might be some gold…
At times we can’t help it but to stand in awe…
That we prostrate ourselves,
Or at His feet we fall…
I guess I went overboard…
I thought I’m so mighty and tall…
Sometimes with my earthly strength I fought…
Thus ending up banging against an invisible wall…
Most of the time I want it all…
But I overlooked; it doesn’t worth the pain…
My efforts end in vain…
Somehow or rather when I went too far…
He pulled some strings…
And I came back into the jar…
Things happens;
Both good and bad…
Sometimes I was happy…
At times sad…
When I get into trouble…
I thought I’m dead…
I deserve to live among the rubbles…
Or in an asylum among the mad…
But God has His own way…
To make the crooked straight…
He did something that in turn we may…
Reconcile with Him and spared from the fiery glade…
He took up the blame…
Withstanding the world’s cruel claim…
And bear the shame…
For the penalty of my transgressions…
And my ideological individualism…
He risks his reputation, dignity and life…
Took my place and paid the price…
Sometimes I look out afar…
And I saw Christ…
Living in people changing lives…
Telling people where the true treasure lies…
Instead of guessing, rolling the dice…
In the end of day,
I can’t help but sigh…
In ages of terror and insecurity…
Fear had long taken flight…
To my blind heart He gave sight…
My dark days had turn to bright…
I don’t deserve it…
Though I work for it with all I might…
For I know,
Wrong is wrong and the right is right…
I often take the guilt trip…
Going in rounds and sometimes slipped…
It often gives me the creeps…
But what I need is just to complete a simple deed…
Have faith and make the impossible leap…
In every obstacles and hardship…
It’s important to follow His lead…
Till one day I’m back to the crypts…
Rest in peace and enjoy my lasting sleep…
And find myself awake in paradise…
Looking around and realize…
Heaven is a gift; not a prize…
For He had long paid the price…
To bring me back home…
A place at its best and nice…

-Bornion Crusader-

Ask...

2008-10-12T02:46:00.000+08:00

Sometimes things are just so lame…
Days seem to be just the very same…
Nothing’s changed; it all remains…
Ever running away from that pain…
That haunted me in vain…
But somehow; till now…
I’ve lost much,
Yet very little I gain…
Sometimes it’s a wonder how people remain sane…
In a world that is so insane….
In a life of choices…
Lane leads on to more lanes…
Whether if it is justified…
We are still to blame….
Seeking some intimacy,,,
We try to move out from the “safe territory”…
But sometimes it is out of courtesy …
That someone cheer for your bravery…
Which in truth is laughing at your stupidity…
Sometimes we thought of going for celibacy…
For love had hurt us deeply…
But then the urge for a company…
Tends to reignite the passion…
To dwell in this valley of no end…
Maybe it’s a law of nature…
Or just a mere popular trend…
That there’s woman every successful man…
And there are countless men…
Vying to support a woman by her hand…
Years may come…
And seasons passed…
But why,
Can’t a friendship last?
Some things are optional…
Some are a must…
Maybe it has been long in the past…
Some wouldn’t wait…
But some in miracles they trust…
Putting faith in the impossible..
Till the bodies disintegrate; turn to dust…
Slipping back into earth’s comfort crust…
It may not happen at all...
Maybe with a blast…
Let’s hope we can act wisely…
Not following just the gust…
Till then,
We will be answered if we ask…

-Bornion Crusader-

Life's Miracle Run...

2008-09-12T20:02:00.000+08:00

Looking into the past…
Once problems as oceans vast…
Time flew very fast…
Faster than any doubt can cast…
I find myself falling from dust to dust…
Sometimes I doubt where is the god that I trust?
So many things, I thought they will last…
But things became unpredictable, it all happened in a blast…
Walking down life’s cruel path…
I end up soaking wet in bloody baths…
Terrains are rough and tough…
What’s more; I’m still in search of my other half…
Along the way I stumbled and flopped…
What I do best is watching others reaching the top…
My life is a blessed one, but it bears a curse…
I often help others, yet I myself am helpless…
I’m trying my best to quench this thirst…
But it seems things are getting worse…
If there is a love meant for me…
I want to have it fasta…
But God’s timing is something to obey I must…
On His love, I must place my trust…
If I am to love, I want to do it all I can…
And in being loved, I hope it will last to the very end…
And with love, I hope to find faith and hope…
Where three strands bind together, and form a rope…
May God render me grace and mercy…
Fill my heart which is hollow and empty…
But I shall bide his timing, and his will be done…
Not solely what I hope for and what I want…
May love one day to me He grant…
That someone will be my side, with me together…
End life’s miracle run…

-Bornion Crusader-

Do they love me?

2008-09-01T00:08:00.000+08:00

I miss those days…
Whereby a child will go up to one and say,
“Let’s be friends, and everyday shall be our Friendship Day”…
I miss those days…
Whereby we sat down together and feast,
All of us with life so well please…
I miss those days…
Whereby we can share our happiness and grieves,
In good times as well as by temptation sifted…
I miss those days…
Whereby the sun never seems to set,
But it must; at some point, from the skies it fled…
I tried to love…
With all my heart, soul and spirit…
As how I am being love,
By my Father above…
I tried to set an example…
Being the salt and the light…
Nothing much changed and the changes are slight…
I tried to cater to all…
Help them up when they fall…
But haven’t they notice?
They are building nothing but walls…
I’m trying my best…
Completing God assigned personnel conquest…
Have I been bearing fruits?
I do not know…
But I am doing what I’m told…
“Love your neighbors, as well as your enemies”
I’ve loved them, and love them so…
I wonder,
DO THEY LOVE ME?
YES OR NO??

-Bornion Crusader-

The Journey...

2008-08-20T20:42:00.000+08:00

It was quite a journey…
A trip to the world unknown…
None of us know for surely…
Where the leaves are blown…
With some linen we set out…
To seek a treasure high above the clouds…
Off we go, simply so we thought…
Driven by excitement purely…
With slippers and shorts…
Through rough terrains and all the pain…
Of thorns and leeches sucking blood in vain…
All in all, we rise and fall…
We reach the top, the last and lost…
Stood a magnificent waterfall…
Tears drooping mixed with sweat…
Our eyes on the destination set…
Something unexpected, unthinkable met…
But along darkness fear had us enwrapped…
We thought that doom might come and have us trapped…
On unknown terrain, no food and energy sapped…
Nor any weapon to make our defense…
Thunder came and the canopy’s too dense…
For once, the world doesn’t make any sense...
We make haste and ran down the path…
Which we went up with giggles and laugh…
But now with grim faces and weary looks…
It was nowhere near what we learn from the books…
From our lips we utter prayers…
Pleading protection and forgiveness…
Lest that anything happen…
For some remorse too sudden…
But alas…
His mercy comes with great abundance…
He is still our great Providence…
We reached safe and sound…
At the hot pools warmed ourselves one last round…
Making each penny worth each pound…
Before back home we make our way…
A way from where too far we strayed…
Thank God that everything price in advance Christ has paid…
For His life freely in the tomb He laid…
Lest one day “I want your life” He said…
I would certainly recall that very day…
Which my life was mercifully spared…
We stood amazed in the middle of nowhere…
Savoring a moment of awe we can never get…
Elsewhere…

-Bornion Crusader-

Out of today...

2008-07-24T16:58:00.000+08:00

Love comes,
Love goes…
Before you can reap,
First you have to sow…
When there’s a high,
There’s also a low…
You have your love ones,
So as your foes…
Things get hot at times,
Sometimes you still feel cold…
Young you may have been,
But one day you’ll be old…
In your old age stories you will tell,
Just as how you were once told…
There are moments our eyes meet,
But we were also bound to split…
There are instances that make us bleed,
Of being lied to or cheat…
But we too had our hearts conceded,
Of which our life completes…
Just as been on honey feed,
In life love shall be our lead…
Let it be the light at your feet,
A guide to a tomorrow, better and sweet,
It is indeed painful being apart,
In body, soul and spirit…
But take up your stations and be on your guard,
Let not this precious gift of love sway further more than a yard…
Challenges may interfere and stand in between,
But if the love is pure and true you shall win…
He shall be your king,
And you his queen…
How long could you persevere?
An interesting question to ponder…
How long could you sustain?
In a future too uncertain to be sure…
But what is yet to come,
Its name is “tomorrow”…
What was and past,
We called it “yesterday”…
Since all we have is what was left,
Savor all you have and make the most…
Out of today…

-Bornion Crusader-

Making Decisions...

2008-07-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

“Life’s about choices”…
Such a well said verse…
But each choice comes with each difference…
Whether it is a blessing or a curse…
It depends on your perception…
On how you decipher a condition…
It hunts everyone; there is no exception…
Every time we make a decision…
As an individual or as a whole…
Long it has been told…
We do not seek for our own benefits sole…
You may feel tired; and I know…
From giving out and feel not appreciated…
But whether it is accepted or rejected…
One party will feel appreciated; another dejected…
But let it not our commitment deducted…
In life it’s best not seeking to please others…
Rather strive to do the just and right…
So that we can stand up and might…
Face whatever trials and hardship and keep the light…
And bear in mind that we remain friends forever…
In my heart you hold the best interest ever…
On our path of life we shall seek the best solution…
For every single tricky situation…
To reach a mutual agreement…
And reach our final destination; everyone at their station…
With no exception…

-Bornion Crusader-

Spare me my solitude...

2008-06-26T20:06:00.000+08:00

When I remain silence…
I don’t mean to abandon…
Friendship nor love…
I’m just bidding my time…
Building up my resistance…
For I have to be resilient,
For life has not gone easy on me…
Your presence has been a great manifestation…
Of God’s grace and mercy…
Your companionship is sufficient…
To bring my dreadful days to an end…
But this I have to say my friend…
You have done all you can…
There are voids in me that aren’t meant…
For you nor others to fill…
But the one and only fits in will,
Completes my heart and make my life anew…
I sought not physical pleasure or dazzling looks…
I just want to love and love receive…
Let not my heart be the worldly lust deceive…
I crave for nothing else but one only….
The one and only love that will set me free…

-Bornion Crusader-

A Father's Day Tribute..

2008-06-16T15:00:00.000+08:00

In times of hardship...
God's grace is sufficient...
His mercy is abundant...
His love is our daily provision...
And you...
are the manifestation of His presence...
among us...

-Bornion Crusader-

The Vovage...

2008-06-15T01:04:00.000+08:00

It is a well known fact…
That everything will come to an end…
Whether it is good or bad…
In the past, now and then...
I found myself back to where I often stand…

It is a well known truth…
The sun will rise and in the evening rest…
I thought it was time to move…
And so I moved-and I did my best…
But I found myself in deep real mess…

It is a well known reality…
Once it passed, it’s gone…
I paid dearly for my stupidity…
I thought I have the whole race won…
In the end I found out myself empty handed, worn and torn…

It is just a stupid tale…
Told and told again…
Of an unguided ship aimlessly sail…
On the oceans of anguish and the seas of pain…
Sometimes I wonder, why does it always, always rains?

-Bornion Crusader-

a mid nite silly dream...

2008-05-22T21:37:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just felt like…
Run away or join a mass get away...
Far away from what we are obliged…
Or the price we ought to pay…
In exchange for a better tomorrow, and today…

Hence we roam the city one day…
Every road and every little single way…
Till the nights are deep are we run astray…
In the empty streets we found our joy…
Just like a child who found a toy…

From one place to another…
We visited places together…
Whereby no one dares to venture…
During the busy working day…
In the lonely and quiet city corner, there we found our pleasure…

Tired and weary we came to the spot…
Where we some peace sought…
Looking up to the full moon hung high in the sky…
Tears came flowing; some started to cry…
After all, far from home…
In this strange land, all alone…

As the season draws to an end…
It’s a new dawn for us, and so to you my friends…
Thanks for being here; you all have been very dear…
Heart to heart talks and friendship walks…
Till then the day we spend together…
Remains in my mind, forever…

-Bornion Crusader-

Curse of the Mother's Day

2008-05-11T22:23:00.000+08:00

Cursed be the celebrations of men!!
Shall it just be a remembrance?
Or just a special day for benevolence to the loved ones?
Must it be just a day for kindness?
While the rest the days of detachment and individualism??
I know not the true meaning of Days,
I am confused of its true calling.
Isn’t love ever present?
Why on certain days do we need to show special attention,
Of which I love you tomorrow as how I loved you yesterday and today.
You craved for the comfort the rest sought from words and speeches.
You should have known,
I’m different and “I love you” rarely uttered from my lips,
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t,
Or I never appreciated you,
Rather,
Love is not of feelings, but of faith.
I lost faith n interest in Days,
Never again will I celebrate it,
For it reminds me of how “unloving” one can be,
How “ignorant” and “foolish” can influence one’s mind.
I have tears to spare no more,
You hurt me down,
To the very core.

-Bornion Crusader-